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Great title but what does this have to do with recovery? Let’s take a look.

I have two older sisters. One is having a challenging time right now and I try to help if I can. My other sister asked me about change and how behavior change occurs. The sister with challenges needs to make some behavior changes, but she is resistant to change.

She asked, how did you quit using drugs and gambling? I gave her my stock answer. If I knew the answer to that question, I would share it with the world!

Change is hard and many are resistant to changes that need to be made. Why? Because it is easier to maintain one’s status quo. And not to mention that we make changes regularly; some harder than others, some easier than others. When it comes to changing addictive behaviors though, it becomes more of a challenge. The difficulty lies with what the addict needs to change to become clean and sober and live a life in recovery. I believe this type of change is the most overwhelming, confusing, and challenging of all changes we make.

When I quit using drugs, I made the decision to quit on one particular November day. My recovery began with a spiritual and intuitive intervention. My thoughts were centered around a voice inside me that said, you need to quit or you will die. It was spiritual too as I heard a higher power tell me the same thing. All that aside, I was ready to quit. I was tired of the lifestyle and my intuitive voice again said, better things are ahead for you.

I have known many addicts who were close to death and chose to continue to use. Some are no longer with us, but some are. For the ones who are still with us, each had to find their own way toward the path of recovery. I know some struggled, but others now have years of sobriety.

Each recovery path is different and no two people will recover the same. For the addict who is still using, I pray that they find their path to recovery and move forward with hope, gratitude, and a purposeful life.

With my gambling addiction, it was different. There were no voices telling me to quit or face certain death. I mean after all, I was not ingesting a substance that was harmful to my health. I was simply playing games on a computer or in a casino.

But on June 24, 2008, that all changed. And this is the type of change that I wish all could find. I was sitting on my bed watching my husband sleep. My dear, sweet husband who works three jobs because I gambled away all our money. My husband who remains by my side even though I hocked my wedding ring and my car. The man who I lied to, stole from, rationalized and justified my behavior to, and the man I know I hurt on many different levels.

As I am watching him sleep, an overwhelming thought came to my mind. I can make the choice to come clean and tell him everything when he wakes up. Physically and emotionally I could not hold another lie or deceive him any longer. I knew that if I did this, I ran the risk of him leaving me. But that was a risk I had to take. I was “full” of all the crap I put him through and the direction my life was going. All of the financial and psychological messes could be worked out, and our relationship could heal if I stopped gambling. I believe now that I was just simply tired.

As I mentioned prior, what does Take Flight have to do with this? Some years ago I watched the movie Flight with Denzel Washington. I am paraphrasing here, but toward the end of the movie he talks about not being able to hold another lie. If I could pinpoint my thoughts to that day in June, that is exactly how I felt. I physically, emotionally, and spiritually could not hold another lie. I was full.

I am including the video here as it truly captures what I hope all can find who are struggling with addiction.

I have a friend who was sent to the ER recently. They were
unable to get a blood pressure. She was sent to ICU for care because she was in
bad shape. There were a few things wrong with her and she was going to need
specialized and consistent treatment. After a few days, she was discharged but
was told to take some time off from work and to make a few lifestyle changes.

I too experienced a health issue and within the last 8 months
have had two ER visits, and the last one resulted in being admitted overnight.

Both of these experiences made me think about change. My
friend and I needed to make some changes, and we had to do so for our physical
health. There are certain things we both need to work on such as adjusting our
work schedules, eating better, exercising, staying hydrated, and managing our
stress better.

That is a pretty tall order in my opinion. So much to change
and the question is where to begin this change journey.

As a recovering addict though, I understand how change works
and how best to implement changes for good results.

When I stopped gambling in 2008, I had a long list of things
that needed to change. Truth is, everything had to change. On day one, I was
already overwhelmed thinking about the long list of things to do moving forward
in recovery. I do not particularly like feeling overwhelmed, so I decided to
get organized.

I wrote a list of what needed to change and item #1 was not
gamble. That is still number 1 on my list to this day. From there, I proceeded
to write items 2 through 100 of what I needed to work on. As someone who had
studied psychology for a number of years at that point, I knew that it can be
overwhelming if you think you need to do everything on the list all at once.

The list changed from 100 items to two items, and those two
things were #1 not gamble, and #2 stay honest with myself and my husband.

I progressed through my list over the months that followed
and felt good about my accomplishments. There was much to change but I tackled
one thing at a time. Things like finances were handled by my husband, so that
was not much of an issue for me. But I had to change my behavior, my mental
health, and much more.

With the recent ER visits, I also had a few things I needed
to change. What I learned from my gambling recovery, I started another list. On
this list was adding exercise to my routine, eating healthy, staying active,
staying hydrated, and managing my stress and anxiety.

As I did for gambling recovery, I started to tackle the list
one thing at a time. I started with staying hydrated. I thought let’s start
with something that is relatively easy to do so I can stay focused and feel
like I am accomplishing something.

I continue to push through the list and add things as I am
able. Now I am working on eating healthily, and even though this is a major
adjustment, I found I had to define what eating healthy looks like. Once that
was determined, I made a goal of simply not snacking throughout the day. Often
items on lists need to be broken down into smaller parts. In terms of reducing
stress and anxiety, I started meditating once per day. That has helped a lot. And
once I started doing one thing, it progressed to other things.

What does all of this mean? It means that if you are trying
to recover from an addiction, take it slow. Change is not going to happen
overnight. Start your list and look at one thing at a time. If you need to
break down one item into smaller parts, do so. Change takes time and it is
hard. It is not easy to live your life one way, and then one day say,
everything has to change. It is scary and it is easy to fall back into old
patterns.

I recommend to all that if changes need to be made, do it
slow. Take pride in all the little things that you accomplish on a daily basis.
And if you fall back into old habits, address it and move forward. Do not
wallow in it. It is so easy to beat ourselves up when we don’t do as well as we
hope to. And that will get you nowhere.

As far as my friend is concerned, she is also making small
changes for her health. And she also started simply staying hydrated.

 

Okay, allow me to be totally real here. Quitting gambling for me sucked. It was hard, really hard to stop. I liked gambling. I liked playing online slots and video poker because for those few hours, I did not have to think or feel anything. Just click the mouse over and over and over. Every day I woke up, I could not wait to play my favorite games. I liked the sounds and the colors on my screen, and I loved when I won. No feeling in the world matches the feeling of a win. If only for a moment or two, everything was okay after a win.

On the day that I decided enough was enough, was the best day and the worst day of my life. It was so hard giving up something I enjoyed. 

Over time and as the days in recovery became weeks, months, and years, I thought more about why it was so hard to give up gambling. 

From the outside looking in, many people might
think that gambling can be stopped at any time. 
For the problem gambler, this is not the case.  Problem gamblers spend huge amounts of money,
sell everything they own, and destroy their life simply to stay in the
game.  It is not as simple as stopping
whenever you want to.

There are things that happen in a problem
gambler’s mind that make it nearly impossible to stop gambling.  These brain tricks keep gamblers in the game
through irrational decision making and are very powerful.  They are powerful enough to keep a person
playing despite all the negative consequences.

Big-Win
Memory

Problem gamblers focus on the wins.  They could lose thousands of dollars but they
remember with great detail the time they won $100.  This win pushes all the losses out of existence
in the mind.  Memories do influence how
we behave in general; therefore, the memory of the wins, keeps the gambler in
the game.  The thought process becomes, I
won before, I can win again.  The problem
with these memories is that they are distorted. 
A person who lost $1,000 and won $50 and remembers only the $50 win, is
not thinking rationally.  If a problem
gambler decides to enter treatment, new thoughts should include focusing on how
much was lost.

Near
Misses

In general, many people like to experience
pleasure.  Our brains are wired to seek
pleasure to get a reward.  Problem
gamblers also like to seek pleasure and get a reward; however, the brain of a
problem gambler is wired differently. 
Their brain lights up even when they almost win.  In a recent study, it was found that if a
problem gambler almost wins, the reward centers of their brain are activated
the same as if there was a bigger win. 
If a video poker addict wins 20 coins instead of 50 coins, the brain’s
reward system is still activated.  It is
as if the brain makes losing almost as gratifying as winning.  This makes it more difficult for the problem
gambler to stop gambling.  In recovery,
the problem gambler will need to incorporate activities that activate the
reward system in the brain without gambling.

Gambler’s
Fallacy

Many problem gamblers do not think about the
odds of what they are betting.  Some
believe they can predict a win and often feel superior to odds.  This is a form of magical thinking that will
keep a gambler in the game.  Some
gamblers report that they know when and where a win will occur such as what
card is next in the deck.  Gambler’s
fallacy is seen with lotteries.  The
gambler will not think about how the odds of winning the lottery are so
outrageous but rather focus on them being the one in a one and a million
outcome.

Illusion
of Control

Illusion of control and gambler’s fallacy are
similar.  Illusion of control is
superstition whereby the gambler believes they can control the outcome of their
gambling.  Some problem gamblers might
have a lucky shirt or a piece of jewelry that will ensure the win.  This is false confidence that can lead to an
increase of risky betting.  This illusion
of control is pervasive and many gamblers believe that they have control over
other parts of their lives.

 

As you begin your recovery journey, there may be times when you might feel a nudge to go back to using or gambling. The nudge might be gentle or it could be like a blast of hot air in your face. Either way, be mindful of these nudges. 

The pesky nudge can be quite mischievous and barely recognizable. After I stopped using drugs, I would experience these nudges through the little voice inside my head. Almost like a whisper saying, you miss me or just do a little. It was tempting for sure because the whisper was inviting. Almost like an angel in my ear. It was challenging to ignore, but I knew I needed to for my life.

One way I could ignore this angel talking to me was silencing the sound by doing other things. Listening to loud music helped as did just telling the angel to be quiet and that I was okay. I would also busy myself with other things or simply pick up the phone and call someone.

Over time, the little angel in my head died down to an inaudible level. I no longer have these nudges or angel voices in my head at least when it comes to using drugs. 

I am not trying to simplify these nudges with quick resolutions or easy outs. The nudge sucks and it is challenging to ignore. But if you are working a program of recovery and giving it your all, you can learn over time to ignore them.

Let’s move forward to my problem gambling recovery. The pesky nudges were everywhere the first time I stopped gambling. I had moved from Las Vegas to Califonia to live with my sister. I was able to stay away from gambling only because of geography and having no money. But let me tell you. I thought about gambling all the time. It became an obsession really. How could I get to a casino in California and of course, how could I get money to do so. 

I took care of the money part by getting a part-time job. I could walk to work, so that also took care of not having a car. I did well at that job but I was constantly being nudged to get money and find a way to play.

When I received my first paycheck, I then had the thought of how to gamble. Online gambling was not a thing back then, and I did not have a car to go to a casino. Since the car issue was holding me back, I just simply had to wait. And I was glad I did.

See, when there is a will to gamble, you will find a way. After careful deliberation, I found that I could take a bus to Las Vegas. So I did just that. I won some money and came home. It was a quick overnight trip but at least I could accommodate the pesky nudge.

During that same year, I started a new job and found my own apartment. Gambling was becoming harder to do because of transportation, money, and really time. What happened next is really no surprise. The pesky nudge from my cocaine addiction came forth, and wouldn’t you know? My co-worker was a friend of someone who knows someone and the rest was history. But I considered myself lucky and relieved that even if I could not gamble, I could use drugs.

If you happened to read my other posts, I did mention that at some point I stopped using drugs because I heard the booming voice of logic telling me to do so. This occurred two years after I started the new job and slipped again with cocaine.

I am not quite sure what happened with the years that followed. I stayed away from drugs, got married, and started working in the social work field. The pesky nudges for drugs went away, but there were nudges to gamble. Again, the only thing protecting me from gambling were transportation and time. All casinos were at least a three hour drive from where I lived. And it just seemed that I could never find the time to gamble. Once I did take the three hour drive to a casino and ended up losing my rent money. Honestly, often the losses were enough to keep me away for periods of time.

But that changed. The Internet entered our lives and I soon discovered I could gamble online. When I discovered this and found a way to keep it from my husband, the pesky nudges turned into a full-blown online frenzy. Over the next seven years, I gambled away everything and nearly lost my marriage.

I don’t wish to minimize our triggers by calling them pesky nudges, but being an addict involves so much of our mind, body, and soul. Even just a fleeting thought can send us back to our addiction. 

Be mindful of the things that can cause a relapse. Whether it is a fleeting thought, pesky nudge, or a blast of hot air, stay alert. Often your addiction is in control, but you can take that control back by being aware. Know what can trigger you, know how to cope, and bottom line, have a toolbox full of ways to help you through these times.

Even a pesky nudge or a fleeting thought can send you back to a place I know you would rather not visit. Stay the course and make your recovery the priority!

Sounds simple enough. Your past is your past. But when one is in recovery from an addiction, it can be challenging to move forward from past mistakes. You might find yourself ruminating about all the mistakes you made or the people you hurt. 

I have a number of years under my belt and I still have lingering thoughts about my past behavior and who I was as an addict. I also play the what-if game on occasion and say things like, what would I be like today if I had not gambled or used drugs.

I think to a degree some of this is normal for recovery. We simply want to make things right. Steps 8 and 9 in AA are about making amends. And this is a very important step for recovery. I still ponder whether I have made amends to all I harmed during my addiction years.

But at some point, you will need to let the past go simply because you cannot change it. If you hold on to your past life, you run the risk of not enjoying today or thinking about the future. 

There is not one single addict that I know who thinks, I am so thankful for all those I hurt during my addiction. 

What I do see is many people asking how can I let go and move forward? How can I make amends with my past?

For the first few years of my recovery, I kept a journal. I wrote everything down that I could remember. People I hurt, situations that were uncomfortable, the drug life, the gambling life, and how I could learn to let it all go. Again, I am not sure if anyone can let everything go, but I certainly tried.

I soon realized that there were some things that I just could not let go like hurting my husband and my family. What I could do though is take responsibility and forgive myself first above anyone else.

I used to have conversations with therapists or in support groups about forgiving myself for all the wrongdoings. There were numerous journal entries about forgiving myself too. I had to realize that I was an addict who did awful things to continue the behaviors of an addict. I had to realize that the drugs or gambling were more important to me at that time. I did not blame anyone or try to find excuses. I simply would state, I made some choices that were not great and for which I am not proud of, but I forgive myself.

After years of trying to locate all those I hurt, I simply had to stop. Mostly because I could not find certain individuals. But I remember a person I used to work with about 30 years ago who loaned me $60 so I could purchase drugs. I have no idea where this person is today or even their name, but I remember them. So what I did was make a $60 donation to a charity I thought he would like. Pure conjecture on my part, but it was all that I could do to let this person go and move forward.

My list of individuals was like 10 pages long. I had a lot of work to do. Over time though, I did have to let many go. I would pray and apologize to the person or persons. 

Over many years, I slowly stopped living in the past. Every once in a while it comes up in conversation but since I have made peace with myself and others, it does not bother me. 

Your past is your past, and my past is my past. I cannot change it nor would I really want to. If I can help others because of what I experienced, then that is okay.

We are all human and we all make mistakes. Learning to forgive yourself first, and then move forward from the past, does take commitment and honesty.

You and I are just going to have to learn from our pasts and simply take that step toward a better today and a more productive future.

I am about to walk into my favorite casino. My mind is racing with excitement. It has been years, but I can still picture what I was wearing, the colors of the casino carpet, and the awful smell of tobacco, alcohol, and desperation.

I put these sensations away for now because all I can think about is playing video poker, smoking a lot of cigarettes, drinking coffee, and winning money. I do not notice the people, the cashiers, or the sounds of all the machines.

After the walk down the steps to the casino, I make note of a few things in my mind. Of course, my thoughts are spinning, and I am not really sure if that is the cocaine I snorted in my car, or the thrill of being high and having some cash to gamble.

It appears to be rather crowded so wonder where I will sit tonight? Is my favorite machine open? So many questions in my head right now. Let’s start over there to see what’s open. No too crowded. Okay, let’s head over there. Still too crowded. All these people playing my machines! Why are there so many people here? This is my time. I must find a machine away from people. They are ruining my fun evening. I will try one more area and if nothing, I will go elsewhere. I guess this casino doesn’t want my business.

Okay, seems there are a few machines open in this section. I will try one that feels right. There is no one next to me on either side so good choice. Other people distract me. They want to talk and I don’t. Just leave me alone. Where’s the change lady? I need some quarters.

The above illustrates every time I went out to gamble. These thoughts were consuming and dictated my gambling behavior. Once I lost my money, I started down another avenue. Thinking about how I was going to recoup my losses.

Even as I type this, I think, wow, such overwhelming and mindless thoughts. I seemed to be acting solely on instinct or autopilot. 

Truth is, many problem gamblers have these consuming thoughts. We think if we do something different, we might win. Our behaviors are driven by obsessive thoughts of what will work this time. The gambler’s fallacy helps to explain this type of thinking. Gambler’s simply lack the ability to use reason and logic when it comes to gambling. We take prior events and think that will affect current events. 

What I find interesting is that gambling is all about random chance. When I look at it now, we really do not have any control over whether we win or not. Selecting a slot machine based on prior experience with that machine is ludicrous. It is a machine that does not have the ability to think nor does it have superpowers. And it certainly does not know me by name. I have seen many people talk to machines and gently massage them thinking that will help.

I do think that problem gamblers like myself, believe that the world owes us something. That we simply have to win because we already lost the house and the kids’ college funds. I cannot tell you how many times I said, this time I will win and be okay. Or I have had a run of bad luck recently so it is time for a big win. And on it goes.

Let’s face fact. The only time a problem gambler “wins” is when they stop gambling. You are not going to recoup all your losses, you won’t be a consistent winner, and the world owes you nothing.

For all in this cognitive cycle of denial, please get some help.