Why You Might Be an Addict

The majority of my blog does focus on recovery; however, to understand our addiction and focus on recovery, additional information might be useful. I believe that all addicts in recovery not only need to remember where they were but also to look at resolving prior issues. This list might be helpful in figuring out what work needs to be done in recovery.

1. You find it difficult to stop thinking
   about what you are addicted
   to. The thoughts are intrusive
   and do not allow you to think about much else. Addiction consumes your
   thoughts. From morning to night, you are constantly thinking about how to use, or drink,
   or shop, or gamble. I found
   that many of my prior thoughts were who can I borrow money from that I have not
   asked prior? That thought was very
   consuming because without money, you are less likely to be able to engage with
   the behavior. Other thoughts that consumed
   me were how am I going to get out of this problem
   or have I told that lie already?
2. You avoid your responsibilities. You may miss work or school due to the addiction and you avoid other
   responsibilities such as attending family functions or paying your bills. I heard myself say this once — I don’t avoid
   responsibility. I am responsible for my addiction
   and I take care of that just fine. And that I did. The only responsibility I had was to cover
   up my pain. To be able to escape whatever it was I felt without a
   concern for anyone or anything else.
3. You have difficulty with your
   relationships. You may be
   experiencing problems with family members and arguing more because of your
   behavior. I did not have difficulty with my relationships because I ignored
   them. The only relationships I had were with others like me, my drug dealers, and those
   who could keep me in the game.
4. You may isolate yourself from others. You might prefer to either be alone or with your addiction
   “friends”. You decline social engagements with family and
   friends. See number 3. My friends were those who also had addiction issues, and
   we shared a common goal. To get drugs
   or money to gamble. So in my mind, I was not isolating myself. I had lots of
   friends! Everyone wanted to be near me and hang out with me.
5. You find you are using more of the
   substance or engaging in other behaviors more to feel the same “high”.
   My first line of cocaine
   did nothing for me. Then I tried
   another and so on. Near the end, I was ingesting up to 3 to 4 grams
   of cocaine per day. With problem gambling,
   I started with $20 on my
   21st birthday, which expanded to thousands of dollars per week years later.
   Enough was never enough. Even if I experienced a high, I wanted to go higher.
6. You have financial problems. Your rent, mortgage, utility bills, and
   other debts are not being paid so you have the funds available to purchase drugs
   or spend time gambling. This
   is a given but it does not start that way. I started by not paying the bills
   that I could get away like the cable bill. That was no big deal, and as time passed, it
   became they won’t evict me right?
7. You spend a lot of time in addiction-seeking behavior
   to get your drug of choice. These behaviors include
   looking for it, buying it, finding ways to get money to buy it, and hiding it once
   you use it. These behaviors are all-consuming, like thoughts. The one thought that became my normal more frequently involved
   other people. I did not want to be around others who did
   not serve my need to do drugs or gamble. I had no time or head space for anyone
   who was keeping me from my addiction.
8. You may experience symptoms of withdrawal if you decide
   to stop the addiction or cut back.
   If you have withdrawal issues,
   then you might
   also be physically addicted
   to your drug of choice.
   I know I was physically addicted to cocaine because when I entered rehab the
   first time, I plunged so low into some dark hole that took me weeks to get out of. I was not even able to get up to
   attend the meetings.
9. You may exhibit poor judgment. You begin to lie, cheat, and steal so you
   can continue with your addiction. Your
   addiction is more important than anything. And I mean anything. I had no moral
   compass when it came to using or gambling.
   I did not care about the people I hurt or what I was doing
   to myself. All I knew was that I had to engage,
   and to do whatever it took to do so.
10. You lose your spirituality. You no longer find the beauty in life or you no longer
    enjoy the things that once gave you hope. You no longer feel peace or
    happiness within your self. What
    self? My soul was gone. There was no
    beauty, hope, kindness, or peace. There was no higher power because if there
    was one, they would help me get money for my addictions.
11. There is one last indicator that is the gold standard for
    how you can determine if you are experiencing addiction. That is, despite all the negative consequences associated with
    addiction, you continue to engage in the behavior.

When I read through this list, I remember the addict I was. But I also use it as a guide of the work I need to continue to do in recovery.