Beware the Pesky Nudges

As you begin your recovery journey, there may be times when you might feel a nudge to go back to using or gambling. The nudge might be gentle or it could be like a blast of hot air in your face. Either way, be mindful of these nudges. 

The pesky nudge can be quite mischievous and barely recognizable. After I stopped using drugs, I would experience these nudges through the little voice inside my head. Almost like a whisper saying, you miss me or just do a little. It was tempting for sure because the whisper was inviting. Almost like an angel in my ear. It was challenging to ignore, but I knew I needed to for my life.

One way I could ignore this angel talking to me was silencing the sound by doing other things. Listening to loud music helped as did just telling the angel to be quiet and that I was okay. I would also busy myself with other things or simply pick up the phone and call someone.

Over time, the little angel in my head died down to an inaudible level. I no longer have these nudges or angel voices in my head at least when it comes to using drugs. 

I am not trying to simplify these nudges with quick resolutions or easy outs. The nudge sucks and it is challenging to ignore. But if you are working a program of recovery and giving it your all, you can learn over time to ignore them.

Let’s move forward to my problem gambling recovery. The pesky nudges were everywhere the first time I stopped gambling. I had moved from Las Vegas to Califonia to live with my sister. I was able to stay away from gambling only because of geography and having no money. But let me tell you. I thought about gambling all the time. It became an obsession really. How could I get to a casino in California and of course, how could I get money to do so. 

I took care of the money part by getting a part-time job. I could walk to work, so that also took care of not having a car. I did well at that job but I was constantly being nudged to get money and find a way to play.

When I received my first paycheck, I then had the thought of how to gamble. Online gambling was not a thing back then, and I did not have a car to go to a casino. Since the car issue was holding me back, I just simply had to wait. And I was glad I did.

See, when there is a will to gamble, you will find a way. After careful deliberation, I found that I could take a bus to Las Vegas. So I did just that. I won some money and came home. It was a quick overnight trip but at least I could accommodate the pesky nudge.

During that same year, I started a new job and found my own apartment. Gambling was becoming harder to do because of transportation, money, and really time. What happened next is really no surprise. The pesky nudge from my cocaine addiction came forth, and wouldn’t you know? My co-worker was a friend of someone who knows someone and the rest was history. But I considered myself lucky and relieved that even if I could not gamble, I could use drugs.

If you happened to read my other posts, I did mention that at some point I stopped using drugs because I heard the booming voice of logic telling me to do so. This occurred two years after I started the new job and slipped again with cocaine.

I am not quite sure what happened with the years that followed. I stayed away from drugs, got married, and started working in the social work field. The pesky nudges for drugs went away, but there were nudges to gamble. Again, the only thing protecting me from gambling were transportation and time. All casinos were at least a three hour drive from where I lived. And it just seemed that I could never find the time to gamble. Once I did take the three hour drive to a casino and ended up losing my rent money. Honestly, often the losses were enough to keep me away for periods of time.

But that changed. The Internet entered our lives and I soon discovered I could gamble online. When I discovered this and found a way to keep it from my husband, the pesky nudges turned into a full-blown online frenzy. Over the next seven years, I gambled away everything and nearly lost my marriage.

I don’t wish to minimize our triggers by calling them pesky nudges, but being an addict involves so much of our mind, body, and soul. Even just a fleeting thought can send us back to our addiction. 

Be mindful of the things that can cause a relapse. Whether it is a fleeting thought, pesky nudge, or a blast of hot air, stay alert. Often your addiction is in control, but you can take that control back by being aware. Know what can trigger you, know how to cope, and bottom line, have a toolbox full of ways to help you through these times.

Even a pesky nudge or a fleeting thought can send you back to a place I know you would rather not visit. Stay the course and make your recovery the priority!