Recovery is Possible

Author: drbarb0624

  • The Meaning of Time in Recovery

    I am in recovery for a gambling addiction and I have 15 years clean. I am also in recovery for a cocaine addiction and I have 3o+ years sober.

    What does this really mean? Let’s take a look at time in terms of recovery as it can be viewed both as a positive and a negative.

    First the positive. I have a combined total of 45 years of being sober, which is outstanding in terms of time. Some of this time overlaps naturally but if you view them as separate entities, I have quite a few years under my belt.

    The number of years represents how long I have not done something that was detrimental to my health, my emotions, my spirituality, and my overall well-being. Very positive.

    But this period of time also represents something else. It serves as a reminder of where I was versus where I am now. And most importantly, it keeps me motivated. I simply am not willing to give up all that time to play a game or use a drug. I view the time as a measurement of success. If you were to have a wonderful job or marriage for 45 years, would you not do your best to keep going? My answer is yes. I would do whatever I needed in order to keep moving forward. That is my motivation and it is related to time. I just do not want to go back to day one.

    Now here is where the essence of time can be a detriment or a negative issue.

    I have heard from many addicts over the years who say, I only have X number of hours, days, or weeks. And most sound disappointed or embarrassed about this. I say, each second you are not engaging in your addiction is a good use of your time. You need to see time differently.

    The focus of time should really be on what you are doing with your time in recovery. If you have one day in recovery, are you using those 24 hours to the best of your ability? Are you seeking help or going to a 12-step meeting? Are you working on your recovery in that 24 hours? If yes, then you have experienced one great day in recovery and you should be proud of your efforts.

    There is another concept of time that can be harmful to addicts. Too much time on your hands!

    Once you begin recovery, you may find that you have a lot of free time. This is normal for a lot of people. Consider that you spent months or years in drug-seeking behavior. You had to secure financial resources in which to purchase drugs or alcohol, you had to make time to buy the drugs or alcohol, and you spent a great deal of time using drugs and alcohol. Your life was centered around drugs and alcohol. Once you stop using drugs and alcohol, all of this free time kind of just sits there and can sometimes feel like empty or wasted space.

    Many addicts state that they do “anything but” engage in using drugs oralcohol. What does this “anything but” look like and how can you fill your time with meaningful activities to aid in your recovery? How can you ensure that boredom will not set in and set you on a path to relapse?

    Boredom is often a topic at 12-step meetings due to the importance of its relationship to relapse. And I see boredom as simply a period of time when no activities are present. But there is an activity that you are engaging with in recovery. You are working on not using! That is so important, and I think we need to redefine boredom while in recovery.

    Work on redefining your definition of time and make it work for you! Anytime spent in recovery working a program is a great use of your time. Any amount of time sober is an accomplishment!

  • Why Hitting Rock Bottom is Not Necessary in Addiction Recovery

    You may hear that an individual needs to hit “rock bottom” before entering recovery and 
    getting help for their addiction. I believe this to be only partially true.

    Rock bottom simply means a person cannot get any lower with their addiction. But what exactly is this low point?


    One reason I do not believe one needs to hit rock bottom before entering recovery is that each person experiences their addiction differently. The addiction process, the behaviors associated with the addiction, and recovery are all unique to the individual. No two people will have the same addiction and recovery process. And no two people will share the same rock bottom.


    With this uniqueness in mind, how then would you define a person’s rock bottom? That too will be different for each person. Some may lose everything in terms of finances. Houses, cars, retirement accounts, college savings, are all depleted. If a person experienced this financial loss, maybe that is their rock bottom and what ultimately engages them in recovery efforts.


    Others might have been arrested for something they did illegally, or face other legal issues. Divorce or loss of job are other events that people experience when they hit rock bottom. And still others just hit rock bottom emotionally and spiritually.

    There are just too many variables to accurately assess this rock bottom. Is it physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, something you see, something you feel, or something else?


    I think each person needs to define what it means for their unique situation.

    On June 24, 2008, a day that I remember like yesterday, was the day I stopped gambling and entered recovery. Did I hit rock bottom? Emotionally and spiritually I did. I describe that day as just feeling full. I was watching my husband sleep and thought, I just cannot keep doing this to myself and to him. When he woke up, I told him everything. I did not feel quite so full after talking to him. That was the last day I gambled, and that was almost 16 years ago.


    When I say I just felt full, I mean that I could no longer play the game. I could no longer tell another lie and I was simply tired of all the bull. Looking back, I really felt like a stuffed turkey at Thanksgiving. I wish I could describe it better but it was just this overwhelming need to change. I am not sure where this feeling originated, or how it came to pass, but I am glad it happened. I do think this moment was spiritual though, and my rock bottom was really about a spiritual loss of self. I no longer existed as my true self, and this other person was running my life. I could not think clearly, I was unable to feel anything, and I was just simply exhausted.

    Regardless of what an individual’s rock bottom looks like or feels like, I do believe that it is a spiritual wake up call of sorts. Something that is just pushing you in a different direction.

    But I think instead of calling it rock bottom, I will venture forward with something a bit more positive like needing a change, or recovery motivator, or an awakening.

    However you experience your rock bottom, it is my hope that you will begin the recovery process.

  • I Am A Loser

    I am a loser but not in the traditional sense. I am in recovery from two addictions which actually makes me a winner! But I did lose everything to get here.

    I spent so many years either snorting white powder up my nose or playing slot and video poker machines until my eyes were blurry and I could barely walk. I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, my self-esteem, relationships, jobs, and my soul. I did not have any friends and spent day after day chasing a dream that never came to fruition.

    My thoughts were plagued with a bunch of “if only’s”. If only I won big, my problems would all go away, or if only I died maybe there would be some relief.

    I did not have any goals and each day involved hours of trying to find money in which to buy drugs and or gamble. I worked but my heart was not involved. I had places to live or should I say places to sleep, and I did not care about any of it. I just wanted to use and play games.

    The life of an addict is a sad one. It is fraught with anger, stress, frustration, anxiety, pain, and sadness. It is a terrible existence because through it all, you only care about doing it more and losing more. To make the emotional pain go away. At times this life was also terrifying. Hanging out with drug dealers, waking up and forgetting where I was, or not knowing if I was going to survive another day.

    Everything about addiction is a losing proposition. No one wins and everyone suffers. There is no joy, no future, and really nothing to look forward to. Each day is the same. A hopeless existence with nothing but despair.

    But once you have been a loser in every sense, something miraculous occurs. You nearly die, and realize you would rather live. You begin to wonder if maybe losing is not for you any longer. For one moment, you have a glimmer of hope. You don’t know where it comes from, but you feel different. You start to see sunshine again. It is fleeting but over time it happens more and more. And with enough days of wanting to live and fully embracing something different, you enter recovery.

    For the first time in many years, I chose to do something different. And not just meetings or admitting I had a problem, I put my heart and soul into recovery. After all, I put my all into drugs and gambling, so why would I not do the same for recovery. The all or nothing mentality is a staple with addicts by the way.

    I told everyone I was in recovery. I made amends to family and friends, and reconnected emotionally with my spouse. I gave up control of my finances, and prayed a lot. As each day passed, I slowly started to smile again. I felt alive again, like I had something to look forward to. I surrounded myself with the blanket of recovery, and no one was going to unravel me.

    I made recovery the only priority in my life because the alternative was despair, sadness, and maybe even death.

    As the years passed, dare I say recovery became easier. Hey, I know it is difficult to separate yourself from whatever it is that inspires you, but overtime it did get easier at least for me. One reason is due to me giving up control over the addiction and accepting the fact that I was indeed an addict.

    I was no longer in denial and let go of the idea that I could “handle it.” In recovery I realized I was not able to “handle it” so I let it go.

    The clean years continued and I actually started having goals again. I wanted to help people and share my experiences. So that’s what I did. Earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology, and ultimately a PhD in psychology. Now a PhD, that was hard!

    I teach, write, and try to find opportunities to help others. Not just those in recovery but anyone that needs it. I particularly want to write about my experiences because I believe that is how we help each other.

    So why am I loser? Because I had to lose everything to get where I am today. I appreciate the losses now and how I suffered because it has made me the hopeful, inspired person I am today. And I would not change one thing that happened.

  • Recovery is Possible-Welcome

    Welcome to my blog! I am Dr. Barb and I am here to provide you with information on recovery. And not just information that one can download from any website, but real, honest, and personal information completely based on my experiences. I am recovering from two addictions, cocaine and gambling with 30+ years sober from drugs, and 15+ years gambling free! 

    I also have some professional experience and education related to addictions and recovery. But that just shows I can speak to some clinical things when needed.

    I know recovery is possible for all. I believe that you can recover despite all the negative issues you might be facing. You can rebuild your life and move forward. To feel positive about your future, and to embrace hope.

    Full disclosure, I do have some non-traditional views on recovery and if that goes against the grain, so be it. I speak only the truth about my recovery journey in hopes that you will find what works for you.