Recovery is Possible

Category: Uncategorized

  • The First 90 Days

     

    The first 90 days of
    recovery are often talked about in 12-step meetings and in addiction treatment programs.      There is a reason
    for this.      The first 90 days are critical
    for recovery overall.      The first 90 days
    are when most relapse occurs.      Learning
    the skills to being clean and sober are new and you might feel overwhelmed with
    all the information that has been given to you.     
    Here are some tips to help this first 90 days and remember, recovery is
    not a destination, it is a lifelong journey.
    1. Create a schedule to help you get organized. You will need to schedule what is necessary first such as meetings or therapy appointments. You will also want to schedule time for yourself including hobbies, friends, and self-care. What you want to avoid is time not spent doing something for your recovery.
    2. Make meetings a priority. 90 meetings in 90 days is a good idea and will keep you connected to those who are also maintaining abstinence.
    3. Ask for help when you need it. If you have a spouse or parent, ask for support when you are feeling anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed.
    4. Have family members or loved ones help you with organizing your finances or your home. This will help with encouraging your family to be a part of your recovery and it can also help with healing any wounds from the past.
    5. Start to think about some goals you want to achieve. Once your mind is clear, you can start to see possibilities of areas of your life that you might want to improve such as going back to school.
    6. Practice self-care daily. Get restful sleep, eat well, meditate, manage your stress. I found the best way to meditate and reduce stress is to simply take six cleansing breaths.
    7. Find a sponsor who can help you navigate the program and who can serve as a go-to person when you need help.
    8. Practice coping skills. Get a “toolbox” of resources that you can use if you start to experience cravings. Cope by living one day at a time. Avoid too many thoughts of the future and focus on today.
    9. Celebrate each day that you stayed clean and be thankful for all your accomplishments.

  • Anger During Recovery

    Once you decide on a path of recovery, you
    might be faced with a multitude of emotions including anger.  Anger is normal in recovery, as you face your
    addiction and the consequences of your addiction on others.  While you were using or gambling, you may have used or gambled incessantly to lessen the feeling of anger. As you continue with your addiction, you become angry at yourself for the damage that
    is being done.   

    Anger does not always subside once you enter a
    program of recovery.  This emotion may
    have been present even before you started with your addiction. It will take time to resolve the feelings of
    anger in recovery but remember, this is possibly the first time you are
    actively addressing your feelings without engaging with your addiction.  It will take time but anger can be resolved.  It is unrealistic to think that one will
    never experience anger, as it is an emotion that oftentimes can motivate
    changes in behavior.  The important thing
    to remember about anger is that it is telling you something needs emotional
    repair.  Take it as an opportunity to
    work on yourself during recovery.

    There are risks associated with hanging on to
    anger in recovery including stress-related problems, physical problems such as
    insomnia and gastrointestinal distress, and feeling keyed up or on edge.      Anger can also significantly impair your
    judgment and cause you to make negative choices in recovery.      While anger is likely during recovery, there
    are some things you can do to recognize it and cope with it.

    First, learn to recognize what anger feels
    like in a physical and psychological sense.     
    Are your fists clenched, is your heart racing?  Then you could be feeling angry about something.  Recognize that it is there and what it is
    doing to you.      Next, address the
    anger.      What are some of the things that
    could be causing the anger?      Are you
    having an issue with a friend or family member?     
    You might want to write down when you feel angry and what the
    circumstances are.      You may start to
    notice a pattern.      You could begin to
    recognize certain stressors that are causing the anger and be able to
    proactively address them.

    In the early stages of recovery, it might be a
    good idea to stay away from people, places, and things in which you feel
    angry.      Over time you can learn to
    address the anger and appropriately recognize it and move forward.      If you are feeling angry, practice breathing
    or other relaxation techniques to bring you focus.      It is never a good idea to make decisions or
    confront an individual when feeling anger.     
    Wait until you are calm and can clearly and objectively address the
    situation or person that is causing the anger.

     

  • Gambling Addiction and Treatment

     

    Gambling addiction is a disorder where
    individuals are preoccupied with either participating in a gambling activity or
    thinking about participating in a gambling activity.  As with other addictions, the gambling addict
    needs to gamble more and more to achieve the same result.  This result is often referred to as the
    gambler’s “high”.

    If a person decides to seek help for their
    addiction, there are options for treating gambling problems.  Many individuals will enter treatment when
    there are no other alternatives, or they feel they have “hit bottom.”  Some will enter treatment after only a few
    months of gambling activity and usually because there are associated problems
    with continued gambling.  Gambling
    addiction does lie on a continuum meaning that there are differences in what
    influences a person’s desire to get help. 
    Many in the gambling treatment field understand this continuum and are
    able to help the gambler where they are.

    A problem gambler has options when it comes to
    treatment.  Some may attend gamblers
    anonymous (GA) 12-step meetings and find the help they need.  GA meetings are offered throughout the
    country and at different times and days. 
    If an individual believes that they might need more in terms of
    treatment, individual therapy is an option. 
    There are counselors and therapists available who specialize in the
    treatment of gambling addiction.  The
    counselor or therapist would address the negative thoughts and behaviors
    associated with the addiction.

    It is important to note that gambling
    addiction is considered a process disorder. 
    A process disorder is a behavioral disorder where no chemicals are
    ingested but the individual is still addicted to gambling.  Often the gambling addict will have a
    co-occurring disorder such as depression or anxiety and will need to address
    this in treatment.  If there is a
    co-occurring disorder, it is important to find a therapist or counselor who can
    treat both disorders.

    There are inpatient and outpatient treatment
    programs available for gambling addicts. 
    Inpatient programs are a good option if the individual thinks they might
    have difficulty staying away from casinos or other gambling activities.  Inpatient programs are structured and can be
    a good start for some gamblers. 
    Outpatient programs are increasingly being offered across the country as
    an alternative to inpatient programs.  An
    individual who enters an outpatient program will attend classes and groups
    throughout the day and be able to return home at the end of the day.

    Any gambler who enters treatment will need to
    make lifestyle changes.  One common
    lifestyle change is turning over all financial responsibilities to another
    trusted family member or friend.  Problem
    gamblers will also need to stay acutely aware of their triggers, as gambling
    activities are everywhere.

  • Support in Recovery

    Many years ago, I began the journey of entering a PhD program in Psychology. I knew what I was up against. Lots of hard work and not getting paid for it! Possibly 6-7 years of classes, writing papers, and of course the dreaded dissertation.

    I started the program and after a few classes, I thought I can do this. But that was just the class part of the PhD program. After the first two years of classes, I was ready to take the comp review exam, and get started on my research. Again, I was okay and ready to move forward.

    I passed the comp exam on the first try and what a relief. Now on to the dissertation. I knew I wanted to research gambling disorder but in what context? It took a good year or two to figure that out.

    After much thought and this is the abridged version, I wanted to research what a problem gambler can do to be successful in recovery. Gambling disorder is an insidious one that takes lives and ruins many in financial and spiritual ways. But there are those out there with months or years of staying away from gambling behavior. What do they have that maybe others do not.

    Well, the answer is support. All of my participants stated having support was the single most important factor in staying away from gambling.

    So what is this support? In a nutshell, it is whatever you want it to be. It comes in many different forms and you will need to figure out what kind of support you need to stay gambling free.

    For me, it was GA meetings, my husband, my family, friends, therapy, and groups.

    Recovery should never be done alone. You will need people to talk to and to find those that share in your recovery efforts. Stay away from those who might say, you can’t do this, or you will relapse again. Surround yourself with positive individuals.

    Now that we have groups online, you can also find support there.

    Find your support however you need to. Be consistent and honest about yourself and what you are facing each day you are in recovery.

    I will continue to post here and other places as a way to support those that might need it.

  • 12-Step Meetings

    When a person decides to attend a 12-step
    meeting, there might be some hesitation or uncertainty about what to
    expect.  There might be questions such as
    will there be anyone I know in this meeting or what do I talk about?  These concerns are normal and most
    individuals experience doubt when attending their first meeting.

    12-step meetings were designed to be a safe
    place in which to share stories of recovery, hope, and strength.  There is a great deal of support in 12-step
    meetings and at some point each person in the meeting has also experienced
    their first meeting and might have felt the same way you do.

    If you are new to a meeting, the group leader
    may ask your first name and whether or not this is your first meeting.  You can sit wherever you want and wherever is
    most comfortable for you.  You will
    listen to the beginning of the meeting, which usually involves an introduction
    from the group leader and a welcome to that particular meeting.  The group leader will ask if there are any
    new members present and you should raise your hand and introduce yourself.  The group leader will read from a little book
    that you were handed when you entered the meeting room.  Someone from the group will read the preamble
    and the 20 questions.  Some 12-step
    meetings may be organized differently but most begin this way, followed by
    members who wish to share.

    Many first-time meeting attendees prefer to
    listen to the other members to see what is expected in a meeting.  You do not have to speak during your first
    meeting unless you want to.  No one in
    the group will pressure you to speak if you are feeling uncomfortable.  Many first-time attendees may start by giving
    their first name and stating that they wish to listen only.  That is totally acceptable.

    As you listen to the stories shared, you may
    find yourself identifying with other members and what experiences they had
    during their addiction.  Many seasoned
    meeting attendees will also share stories of strength and hope.  They may talk about their first meeting and
    where they are in recovery today.  After
    all members have shared, and no one else wants to share, the group leader will
    close the meeting.

    Everyone who has attended a 12-step meeting
    has been the new person once.  It can be
    scary to reveal to others your experiences as an addict, but over time and with
    continued meeting attendance, you too will share your stories and hopefully
    help the next new person who is feeling uncertain about what to expect.

    I am familiar with 12-step meetings and began recovery from gambling addiction by going to GA meetings regularly. My husband also attended Gam-Anon meetings and found them to be insightful and helpful. 

    Without those meetings in my beginning stages of recovery, I might not be here today. And I mean that in all honesty and sincerity. 

    The meetings gave me an opportunity to share my stories, but it gave me so much more. They gave me hope. I felt so supported by the other members and they knew exactly what I was going through. I have found over the years that support from others can really make the difference between recovery and relapse. 

    I encourage all individuals who are entering recovery to try a meeting. Whether it is GA, NA, or AA, I am certain that you will find that openness and hope that I found.

     

     

     

  • Dear Gambling Addiction

    Dear Gambling Addiction,

    I love to write so I thought I would write you a letter today. It has been almost 16 years since we last met, and to be honest, I don’t miss you one bit.

    There was a time when you were the only thing that mattered. I would do anything for you. Lie, cheat, steal, not eat, not sleep, or anything really. When I say you were the only thing, you were. I was obsessed with you. You plagued my thoughts and made me feel things that were uncomfortable.

    Prior to being introduced to you, I was a moral person. I liked helping people and I was happy. I had friends, good relationships with my family, people trusted me, I worked, and I had money to pay my bills.

    When you entered my life on my 21st birthday, I was partially intrigued but mostly I was frustrated. I lost $20 in about one minute on a craps table. I wanted my $20 back because I was not clear on why I lost the money. And the game of craps did not make sense to me. I thought if I was going to gamble again, I would play slots. So much easier and all I had to do was pull a handle.

    In these very early stages, I did not think about you much. I believe though that you were there in my brain maybe trying to figure out how to get me more engaged. Maybe you were there attempting to entice me with needing to win back that $20.

    A few years later, I found another friend to spend my time with and their name was cocaine. Well, living in Las Vegas when one could not sleep because of the drugs, the casinos were there with bright, flashing lights and the intrigue of winning money. So I met you again, and discovered that playing video poker machines was a great way to spend my time while high.

    This was the start of our relationship that lasted quite a while. 

    In the beginning stages of my addiction with you, I was able to have some fun and enjoyed most of the times I had with you. Over time though, you consumed my soul. I did not care whether I lived or died. I just needed to be with you and I loved only you.

    Our relationship lasted 14 years in total with breaks during some of that time, but even when I was not playing, I was still thinking about you. Wondering how I could get together with you again. Money was usually the main reason why I could not connect with you, but I also found it more challenging to find places to visit you.

    Honestly, over time my relationship with you became rather tedious and boring. I started to feel like I might need to separate myself from you. I did not know why I was feeling this way, but on some level I just wanted something different for myself. I was tired of lying to people about you, and I was getting frustrated with being broke all the time. There was also this emptiness that even you could not fill. Most importantly, my real relationship with my husband was beginning to suffer. I did care about him and he really became more important than you. Sometimes I felt like I cheated on him with you. I do believe that my moral compass was questioning all that I was doing with you, and it just was beginning to not feel right.

    On June 24, 2008 I decided to end my relationship with you. This was a very hard thing for me to do. After all, you were the only important thing in my life and I just wanted to be with you as much as possible. But on a sleepless night in June, I was watching my husband sleep and felt this overwhelming desire to be with him and not you. I felt like I could no longer lie to him about us. These feelings were quite overwhelming too almost to the point of if I didn’t tell him about us, I might go crazy. There were just so many emotions running through me, and I decided to break it off with you. When he woke up, I told him everything about us.

    June 24, 2008 was the best day and the hardest day of my life! I knew that once I told my husband everything that I would need to let you go. It was definitely a hard decision to make but I could not go on living or being with you.

    The first few days of not having you in my life were a whirlwind of emotions. I do not recall another time when I cried so much. As I talked to others about us, I did start to feel better. And I went to meetings where others were talking about their own relationships with something similar to ours. The details were different but similar in that all of us wanted to end our relationships.

    Over the weeks and months that followed, I continued to go to meetings and was learning to live without you. I had a lot to process and many feelings to address. Fortunately I had a lot of support from family and friends, but I did have to work on regaining their trust. When you cheat, people do not easily trust again. And I had to give up my finances to my husband. That was okay because I simply did not want to see you again or be tempted by you. Without access to cash or credit cards, it was just a little bit easier to let you go.

    I also found that I needed to give up some control over certain things. First it was the finances. Then I discovered letting go was also needed. I started to let go of things that I could not control, and fixing the things I could. My focus was specifically on how to rebuild after a tumultuous relationship with you. 

    I worked every day to learn to live without you. I learned to feel my feelings and process them instead of covering them up by playing with you. I learned how to think more productively and to make goals for myself. I learned how to manage my finances and I was slowly regaining trust from my husband and others.

    The work was hard but I kept going. I just did not want you in my life any longer, and no matter how I felt or what I thought, I was not going to re-engage with you. I was working a program of recovery and very proud of each day that I did not want to be with you. There were some days I thought about you, but it ended there. Just thoughts that were quickly replaced with all the positive benefits of not having you in my life.

    All these years later, I still think about you but not in the ways you would want. I just have thoughts about how wonderful my life is without you. I have no urges to see you, and nothing that I can think of would bring me back to you. I have too much to lose now.

    In a way, I do thank you for being in my life. I believe I am a better person for knowing you. You taught me what a person is capable of during a relationship with you, and with that, I can help others now. Our relationship also opened my mind to the human spirit and how resilient we really are. We can overcome great obstacles and learn to live without you.

  • Why You Might Be an Addict

    The majority of my blog does focus on recovery; however, to understand our addiction and focus on recovery, additional information might be useful. I believe that all addicts in recovery not only need to remember where they were but also to look at resolving prior issues. This list might be helpful in figuring out what work needs to be done in recovery.

    1. You find it difficult to stop thinking
      about what you are addicted
      to. The thoughts are intrusive
      and do not allow you to think about much else. Addiction consumes your
      thoughts. From morning to night, you are constantly       thinking about how to use, or drink,
      or shop, or gamble. I found
      that many of my prior thoughts were who can I borrow money from that I have not
      asked prior?       That thought was very
      consuming because without money, you are less likely to be able to engage with
      the behavior. Other thoughts       that consumed
      me were how am I going to get out of this problem
      or have I told that lie already?
    2. You avoid your responsibilities. You may miss work or school due to the addiction and you avoid other
      responsibilities such as attending family functions       or paying your bills. I heard myself say this once — I don’t avoid
      responsibility.       I am responsible for my addiction
      and I take care of that just fine. And that I did. The only responsibility I had was to cover
      up my pain. To be able to escape whatever it was I felt without a
      concern for anyone or       anything else.
    3. You have difficulty with your
      relationships.       You may be
      experiencing problems with family members and arguing more because of your
      behavior. I did not have difficulty with my relationships because I ignored
      them. The only       relationships I had were with others like me, my drug dealers, and those
      who could keep me in the game.
    4. You may isolate yourself from others. You might prefer to either be alone or with your addiction
      “friends”. You decline social engagements with family and
      friends. See number 3. My friends were those who also had addiction issues, and
      we shared a common goal.       To get drugs
      or money to gamble. So in my mind, I was not isolating myself. I had lots of
      friends! Everyone wanted to be near me and hang out with me.
    5. You find you are using more of the
      substance or engaging in other behaviors       more to feel the same “high”.
      My first line of cocaine
      did nothing for me. Then I tried
      another and so on. Near the end, I was ingesting up to 3 to 4 grams
      of cocaine per day. With problem gambling,
      I started with $20 on my
      21st       birthday, which expanded to thousands of dollars per week years later.
      Enough was never enough. Even if I experienced a high, I wanted to go       higher.
    6. You have financial problems. Your rent, mortgage, utility bills, and
      other debts       are not being paid so you have the funds available to purchase drugs
      or spend time gambling. This
      is a given but it does not start that way. I started by not paying the bills
      that I could get away like the cable bill. That was no big deal, and as time passed, it
      became they won’t evict me right?
    7. You spend a lot of time in addiction-seeking behavior
      to get your drug of choice. These behaviors include
      looking for it, buying it, finding ways to get money to buy it, and hiding it once
      you use it.       These behaviors are all-consuming, like thoughts. The one thought that became my normal more frequently involved
      other people. I did not want to be around others who did
      not serve my need to do drugs or gamble. I had no time or head space for anyone
      who was keeping me from my addiction.
    8. You may experience symptoms of withdrawal if you decide
      to stop the addiction or cut back.
      If you have withdrawal issues,
      then you might
      also be physically addicted
      to your drug of choice.
      I know I was physically addicted to cocaine because when I entered rehab the
      first time, I plunged so low into some       dark hole that took me weeks to get out of. I was not even able to get up to
      attend the meetings.
    9. You may exhibit poor judgment. You begin to lie, cheat, and steal so you
      can continue with your addiction.       Your
      addiction is more important than anything. And I mean anything. I had no moral
      compass when it came to using       or gambling.
      I did not care about the people I hurt or what I was doing
      to       myself. All I knew was that I had to engage,
      and to do whatever it took to do so.
    10. You lose your spirituality. You no longer find the beauty in life or you no longer
      enjoy the things that once gave you hope. You no longer feel peace or
      happiness within your self.       What
      self? My soul was gone.       There was no
      beauty, hope, kindness, or peace. There was no higher power because if there
      was one, they would help me get money for my addictions.
    11. There is one last indicator that is the gold standard for
      how you can determine       if you are experiencing addiction. That is, despite all the negative consequences associated with
      addiction, you continue to engage in the       behavior.

    When I read through this list, I remember the addict I was. But I also use it as a guide of the work I need to continue to do in recovery.

  • You Cannot Deny It

    Denial is for all intents
    and purposes just a word. But this word can define so much
    that ultimately affects
    our lives. In the simplest
    sense, the word means
    seeing something as untrue when that might not be the case.

    Denial is a defense mechanism outlined by Sigmund Freud
    but he did not create     the word naturally. He used denial
    as way to describe something that we see as untrue because otherwise we might be too
    uncomfortable to accept the truth. And this denial occurs even when there is
    overwhelming evidence that supports the truth we are trying to deny.
    We use this term quite a bit in the addiction arena, and
    I know if you are in recovery,     you know this term well. Oh how I used this word myself on many occasions. I don’t have a problem, if
    everyone would just leave me alone I could     quit, everything is fine, I don’t know what you are talking
    about, and the list goes on.

    The magic behind this denying
    of a problem really fascinates me. As someone in recovery, denial hits home,
    but it is more than that.

    I am a believer or a follower of the ego. Our ego that
    keeps our id and super     ego in balance. Yes, more Freud. But when I think about our egos, or the thing that is supposed
    to keep us on an even keel,
    it can really become out of
    whack.     When the ego gets upset, we use a number of defense mechanisms to help us maintain our presence of mind.

    If someone is an addict, their ego is for lack of a
    better term, off kilter. If we     can deny that we have a problem, it can keep the ego in check.

    When I was gambling and using drugs,
    my problems were many. But using
    the denial defense, kept me in the game.     This
    is the part that fascinates me. I was using drugs and gambling to the point of
    emotional, spiritual, and financial bankruptcy, but my denial was so powerful
    that I kept on with     these behaviors. Imagine
    something so powerful
    that it kept me gambling and using drugs. I am in awe of
    this defense mechanism.

    Despite the obvious
    heartache and suffering
    I endured, denial kept me in my addictions. I cannot wrap my head
    around this but I understand why and     how it happens. But enough about me, let’s take a look at a more clinical perspective.

    Suffice it to say, denial is powerful. It allows an
    addiction to be maintained and even prolonged despite the consequences. Denial
    involves behaviors such as dishonesty, pretending a problem does not exist, or
    even exaggeration     of a problem. Many addicts in denial avoid
    people or situations where their addictions might
    be confronted.

    Despite the consequences experienced by the addict, denial allows the individual addict to continue using
    without issue. Denial
    can also extend
    to other people. A family member
    who does not address the addict’s abuse
    is also in denial and can perpetuate an addict’s behavior.

    An addict’s denial can be complex but the goal is the
    same.     To deny the existence of a problem so one can continue to use drugs
    or alcohol is the
    purpose of denial.
    An addict might say, just one more time, or I can handle
    it, when the opposite is true. Denial will allow the alcoholic or addict an     opportunity to drink or use more without
    a thought of the consequences and the influence that using has on health or personal lives.

    When the addict or alcoholic decides to stop the
    addiction, the walls of denial     will begin
    to crumble. During
    treatment, the addict
    will begin to look
    at     the issue of denial and begin accepting the addiction exists and treatment is necessary. Treatment will confront the denial and
    expose the reality of an addict’s abuse. Sometimes addicts in recovery can deny
    that getting clean and sober can happen or will even help.

    Treatment must confront the denial to help the addict or
    alcoholic get clean and sober. The opposite of denial is acceptance and
    accepting the reality of one’s addiction is a treatment goal. 

    Denial must be
    addressed at all stages of the     recovery process.
    Denial is a strong mechanism that will always
    be there. If a person in
    recovery begins to question their ability to stay sober, denial might creep
    back in and the individual will begin to think well, my drinking was never
    really that bad so I can have one drink. Subsequently, denial can lead a person
    to relapse.

    Throughout recovery denial
    must be addressed. Denial is strong
    but with treatment and
    support, denial can be lessened and allow for a life of     recovery.

  • My Recovery Journey

    Each journey of a thousand miles begins with a first step. If we do not take that first step, the journey ends. Maybe for some this works. After all, change is hard, taking that first step is a challenge. But if we choose to not take that first step, we will remain where we are. Lost, confused, frustrated, angry, and sad.

    As a recovering addict with a number of years under my belt for two addictions, I started each journey with one step. When I completed this one step, I took another. Here I am 15+ years clean from a gambling disorder and over 20 years sober from a drug addiction.

    The first step is difficult though because there are two paths. The one behind you and the one in front of you. Each is uncertain and rather frightening. You might ask yourself, what am I leaving behind, can I do this, or what lies ahead?

    The truth is no one really knows the answers to these questions. First, the answers are unique to our situation, and second, everyone’s path is different.

    My path to recovery for drug addiction started with a very loud wake up call. There was this loud voice in my head that repeated over and over, unless you stop, you will die. I had been using cocaine up to this point for seven years, and I used a lot of it. Upwards of four grams per day. There were times when I thought I was going to not wake up.

    I listened to this voice in my heard and stopped using that day. I simply did not want to die. Was it easy? No, it was not easy. I was living with two individuals who still used. I worked with people who still used. All I knew was I did not wish to die. I have been clean since.

    I do understand that some biological influences were fighting me to continue to use cocaine, but I struggled through all the other voices in my head saying, oh just do it, you will be fine. Or what else are you going to do? You cannot live without me and you know it. I knew it would be challenging to put these voices to sleep. I took one minute at a time and fought my way through the uncertainty. Over time I was able to quiet these voices and simply tell myself that I had more to do on this earth and doing drugs was keeping me from all I wished to do. And of course, that reminder that I did not want to die. 

    This path was spiritual and I am still convinced that the voice in my head was my higher power. And when your higher power speaks to you, listen. I prayed all the time and minute by minute, hour by hour, the other negative voices went away. 

    The path to recovery for my gambling addiction was a bit harder. I had gambled compulsively for many, many years. There were periods of abstinence but they were short lived. I was mainly abstinent because I either did not have any money, or I was nowhere near any casinos! Later in my gambling career, I did gamble online so the location became less relevant.

    Fast forward to the day to end all days. I was going to put my gambling addiction to bed and get on my path to recovery. Up until that day, I had stolen all I could from my husband and other family members, had hocked rings, cars, and anything else I could sell. And then comes the day that I remember as the hardest day of my life and the best day of my life. June 24, 2008. I was watching my husband sleep and thought, I can no longer do this to him or to us.

    I just felt so tired of the lies and the negative behavior. It was more than feeling tired though. It was overwhelming sorrow for the life I had made and for what I was doing to others that I loved. I believed at that moment that if I did not make the choice to stop gambling, that I again would die. Honestly, it felt like I was full and if I did not do something, I might explode. I wish I could bottle this feeling and give it to all who are struggling with addiction. But since I cannot, I will share all of this with you.

    When my husband woke up, I told him everything about what I had done. This was the first step that moved me to my path of recovery. It sometimes felt like I would trip over my feet and fall, but I did not. I kept moving forward even if the step was small. I went to GA meetings regularly, counseling, and involved everyone I knew in my recovery process. I became honest with myself and others. And I owned it all and gave up control over my finances and even access to the Internet. 

    As the months went by, each day was a little brighter. All these years later, I am so grateful that I took that first step that at the time seemed impossible. 

    Naturally I cannot sum up years of sobriety in one sitting. I could write volumes on recovery; however, this was my path. Each of our paths are different and each of us needs to find the strength to take that first step.

    When will you take that first step?

     

  • Disordered Thinking

    Over the years, I have put my heart and soul into my recovery. I consistently work on my emotional health, and ways I can improve how I feel and how I can live a better life. In addition, I spend a lot of time reading about addiction and recovery.

    I recall something I read years ago about disordered thinking and addiction. The article reviewed that addiction was more about our thoughts versus being a disease of the mind and body. This got me thinking about my views on the disease model of addiction. Could this actually be something else entirely? Was I looking at addiction wrong? 

    My beliefs about addiction are multifaceted and could either be viewed as anti-disease model or pro-disease model. Honestly, I just don’t know with any degree of certainty, which is why I remain on the fence about the disease issue.

    Do I believe my addictions are equivalent to having a disease? Let’s just say that my answer is yes and no. I do, however, believe that my addictions were related to disordered thinking though and here is why.

    Our minds are incredibly powerful. So powerful that we can believe things that are simply not true. We can create things that are not there, and we can think in often bizarre ways.

    Can our thoughts then create and sustain an addiction? Absolutely.

    We have many thoughts every day. Our minds are filled with things we want to do, what is working, what is not working, what to do over, or countless other thoughts. Most of the time, we give little attention to these thoughts. Most have little meaning such as what to have for breakfast or what to wear to work.

    The addict’s thoughts though are different and a lot more meaningful. And it could be that these thoughts are keeping one addicted.

    Let’s take a look at some thoughts experienced by me in the throes of my addiction. This is not an exclusive list for sure.

    • I am okay, I just need to find some cash.
    • Who can I ask for money today?
    • If I get $20, will that go to gambling or coke? How can I do both?
    • I suppose I could ask my mother for help.
    • Should I go to work today?
    • What if I lose my money? 
    • When is payday?
    • Just call in sick.
    • Feeling tired, just need blow.
    • Call your dealer maybe he can help.
    • If I get $20, I can pay penny slots downtown.
    The constant and overwhelming thoughts of simply wanting to engage with drugs and gambling. At any cost. Intrusive, all-consuming thoughts. This was my life and what I thought for many years. This was my disordered thinking that kept me searching for something better, something more exciting than the life I was living. Sure I had “normal” thoughts about work etc., but what really filled my mind were thoughts about drugs and gambling and how to keep that going.
    Now with gambling disorder, there are other thinking concerns and we call this the gambler’s fallacy. A fallacy is simply an error with our thinking. We might believe something to be true, but in reality, it is not. Here are a few examples of my thinking while gambling. Each of these thoughts reinforced that if I selected the right machine, I was going to win.
    • Let’s play that machine because it looks like a winner.
    • I don’t like the display on that one.
    • The cards are not right.
    • That displays the cards too fast.
    • I don’t want to sit next to that person.
    • I lost at that casino so I will go somewhere else.
    • That machine has not paid out in a while, I will play that one when available.
    • I have $20 in quarters so that means 8 plays on video poker at max bet.
    • I haven’t won in a while so today is the day.
    • I just need a full house or 4 of a kind to keep playing.
    • Obviously I did not pick the right machine.
    As I write these thoughts, I realize why I kept playing despite large losses. I truly believed that I was going to win if I made certain things happen. I thought that I would win because I had won before. This type of thinking is irrational and only feeds the addiction. You start to believe these erroneous thoughts, which in turn keeps you in the game.
    Our thoughts can influence how we behave and how we feel, but an addict’s thoughts are flawed and only engage our addiction.
    My thoughts today are certainly less flawed and more constructive. Suffice it to say my thoughts now are focused on recovery and being a better person each and every day.
    When a person enters recovery, eliminating the flawed thoughts is essential. Those old thoughts will need to be replaced with more positive ones. Thoughts that encourage sobriety at any cost. Thoughts that reinforce recovery as the only option. It takes time and perseverance to change one’s thinking. It must be done consistently. Each day replacing the addicted thought to a recovery thought.
    As an example, these are my thoughts today.
    • I am proud of what I have accomplished.
    • I appreciate all that I have.
    • I believe in recovery as the only option.
    • My life is mine to live as I choose.
    • It is okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on.
    • I continue to grow stronger each day.
    This is what I think today, and each day is better than the one before.