Recovery is Possible

Tag: addiction

  • Disordered Thinking

    Over the years, I have put my heart and soul into my recovery. I consistently work on my emotional health, and ways I can improve how I feel and how I can live a better life. In addition, I spend a lot of time reading about addiction and recovery.

    I recall something I read years ago about disordered thinking and addiction. The article reviewed that addiction was more about our thoughts versus being a disease of the mind and body. This got me thinking about my views on the disease model of addiction. Could this actually be something else entirely? Was I looking at addiction wrong? 

    My beliefs about addiction are multifaceted and could either be viewed as anti-disease model or pro-disease model. Honestly, I just don’t know with any degree of certainty, which is why I remain on the fence about the disease issue.

    Do I believe my addictions are equivalent to having a disease? Let’s just say that my answer is yes and no. I do, however, believe that my addictions were related to disordered thinking though and here is why.

    Our minds are incredibly powerful. So powerful that we can believe things that are simply not true. We can create things that are not there, and we can think in often bizarre ways.

    Can our thoughts then create and sustain an addiction? Absolutely.

    We have many thoughts every day. Our minds are filled with things we want to do, what is working, what is not working, what to do over, or countless other thoughts. Most of the time, we give little attention to these thoughts. Most have little meaning such as what to have for breakfast or what to wear to work.

    The addict’s thoughts though are different and a lot more meaningful. And it could be that these thoughts are keeping one addicted.

    Let’s take a look at some thoughts experienced by me in the throes of my addiction. This is not an exclusive list for sure.

    • I am okay, I just need to find some cash.
    • Who can I ask for money today?
    • If I get $20, will that go to gambling or coke? How can I do both?
    • I suppose I could ask my mother for help.
    • Should I go to work today?
    • What if I lose my money? 
    • When is payday?
    • Just call in sick.
    • Feeling tired, just need blow.
    • Call your dealer maybe he can help.
    • If I get $20, I can pay penny slots downtown.
    The constant and overwhelming thoughts of simply wanting to engage with drugs and gambling. At any cost. Intrusive, all-consuming thoughts. This was my life and what I thought for many years. This was my disordered thinking that kept me searching for something better, something more exciting than the life I was living. Sure I had “normal” thoughts about work etc., but what really filled my mind were thoughts about drugs and gambling and how to keep that going.
    Now with gambling disorder, there are other thinking concerns and we call this the gambler’s fallacy. A fallacy is simply an error with our thinking. We might believe something to be true, but in reality, it is not. Here are a few examples of my thinking while gambling. Each of these thoughts reinforced that if I selected the right machine, I was going to win.
    • Let’s play that machine because it looks like a winner.
    • I don’t like the display on that one.
    • The cards are not right.
    • That displays the cards too fast.
    • I don’t want to sit next to that person.
    • I lost at that casino so I will go somewhere else.
    • That machine has not paid out in a while, I will play that one when available.
    • I have $20 in quarters so that means 8 plays on video poker at max bet.
    • I haven’t won in a while so today is the day.
    • I just need a full house or 4 of a kind to keep playing.
    • Obviously I did not pick the right machine.
    As I write these thoughts, I realize why I kept playing despite large losses. I truly believed that I was going to win if I made certain things happen. I thought that I would win because I had won before. This type of thinking is irrational and only feeds the addiction. You start to believe these erroneous thoughts, which in turn keeps you in the game.
    Our thoughts can influence how we behave and how we feel, but an addict’s thoughts are flawed and only engage our addiction.
    My thoughts today are certainly less flawed and more constructive. Suffice it to say my thoughts now are focused on recovery and being a better person each and every day.
    When a person enters recovery, eliminating the flawed thoughts is essential. Those old thoughts will need to be replaced with more positive ones. Thoughts that encourage sobriety at any cost. Thoughts that reinforce recovery as the only option. It takes time and perseverance to change one’s thinking. It must be done consistently. Each day replacing the addicted thought to a recovery thought.
    As an example, these are my thoughts today.
    • I am proud of what I have accomplished.
    • I appreciate all that I have.
    • I believe in recovery as the only option.
    • My life is mine to live as I choose.
    • It is okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on.
    • I continue to grow stronger each day.
    This is what I think today, and each day is better than the one before.

  • Why Hitting Rock Bottom is Not Necessary in Addiction Recovery

    You may hear that an individual needs to hit “rock bottom” before entering recovery and 
    getting help for their addiction. I believe this to be only partially true.

    Rock bottom simply means a person cannot get any lower with their addiction. But what exactly is this low point?


    One reason I do not believe one needs to hit rock bottom before entering recovery is that each person experiences their addiction differently. The addiction process, the behaviors associated with the addiction, and recovery are all unique to the individual. No two people will have the same addiction and recovery process. And no two people will share the same rock bottom.


    With this uniqueness in mind, how then would you define a person’s rock bottom? That too will be different for each person. Some may lose everything in terms of finances. Houses, cars, retirement accounts, college savings, are all depleted. If a person experienced this financial loss, maybe that is their rock bottom and what ultimately engages them in recovery efforts.


    Others might have been arrested for something they did illegally, or face other legal issues. Divorce or loss of job are other events that people experience when they hit rock bottom. And still others just hit rock bottom emotionally and spiritually.

    There are just too many variables to accurately assess this rock bottom. Is it physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, something you see, something you feel, or something else?


    I think each person needs to define what it means for their unique situation.

    On June 24, 2008, a day that I remember like yesterday, was the day I stopped gambling and entered recovery. Did I hit rock bottom? Emotionally and spiritually I did. I describe that day as just feeling full. I was watching my husband sleep and thought, I just cannot keep doing this to myself and to him. When he woke up, I told him everything. I did not feel quite so full after talking to him. That was the last day I gambled, and that was almost 16 years ago.


    When I say I just felt full, I mean that I could no longer play the game. I could no longer tell another lie and I was simply tired of all the bull. Looking back, I really felt like a stuffed turkey at Thanksgiving. I wish I could describe it better but it was just this overwhelming need to change. I am not sure where this feeling originated, or how it came to pass, but I am glad it happened. I do think this moment was spiritual though, and my rock bottom was really about a spiritual loss of self. I no longer existed as my true self, and this other person was running my life. I could not think clearly, I was unable to feel anything, and I was just simply exhausted.

    Regardless of what an individual’s rock bottom looks like or feels like, I do believe that it is a spiritual wake up call of sorts. Something that is just pushing you in a different direction.

    But I think instead of calling it rock bottom, I will venture forward with something a bit more positive like needing a change, or recovery motivator, or an awakening.

    However you experience your rock bottom, it is my hope that you will begin the recovery process.

  • I Am A Loser

    I am a loser but not in the traditional sense. I am in recovery from two addictions which actually makes me a winner! But I did lose everything to get here.

    I spent so many years either snorting white powder up my nose or playing slot and video poker machines until my eyes were blurry and I could barely walk. I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, my self-esteem, relationships, jobs, and my soul. I did not have any friends and spent day after day chasing a dream that never came to fruition.

    My thoughts were plagued with a bunch of “if only’s”. If only I won big, my problems would all go away, or if only I died maybe there would be some relief.

    I did not have any goals and each day involved hours of trying to find money in which to buy drugs and or gamble. I worked but my heart was not involved. I had places to live or should I say places to sleep, and I did not care about any of it. I just wanted to use and play games.

    The life of an addict is a sad one. It is fraught with anger, stress, frustration, anxiety, pain, and sadness. It is a terrible existence because through it all, you only care about doing it more and losing more. To make the emotional pain go away. At times this life was also terrifying. Hanging out with drug dealers, waking up and forgetting where I was, or not knowing if I was going to survive another day.

    Everything about addiction is a losing proposition. No one wins and everyone suffers. There is no joy, no future, and really nothing to look forward to. Each day is the same. A hopeless existence with nothing but despair.

    But once you have been a loser in every sense, something miraculous occurs. You nearly die, and realize you would rather live. You begin to wonder if maybe losing is not for you any longer. For one moment, you have a glimmer of hope. You don’t know where it comes from, but you feel different. You start to see sunshine again. It is fleeting but over time it happens more and more. And with enough days of wanting to live and fully embracing something different, you enter recovery.

    For the first time in many years, I chose to do something different. And not just meetings or admitting I had a problem, I put my heart and soul into recovery. After all, I put my all into drugs and gambling, so why would I not do the same for recovery. The all or nothing mentality is a staple with addicts by the way.

    I told everyone I was in recovery. I made amends to family and friends, and reconnected emotionally with my spouse. I gave up control of my finances, and prayed a lot. As each day passed, I slowly started to smile again. I felt alive again, like I had something to look forward to. I surrounded myself with the blanket of recovery, and no one was going to unravel me.

    I made recovery the only priority in my life because the alternative was despair, sadness, and maybe even death.

    As the years passed, dare I say recovery became easier. Hey, I know it is difficult to separate yourself from whatever it is that inspires you, but overtime it did get easier at least for me. One reason is due to me giving up control over the addiction and accepting the fact that I was indeed an addict.

    I was no longer in denial and let go of the idea that I could “handle it.” In recovery I realized I was not able to “handle it” so I let it go.

    The clean years continued and I actually started having goals again. I wanted to help people and share my experiences. So that’s what I did. Earned a master’s degree in counseling psychology, and ultimately a PhD in psychology. Now a PhD, that was hard!

    I teach, write, and try to find opportunities to help others. Not just those in recovery but anyone that needs it. I particularly want to write about my experiences because I believe that is how we help each other.

    So why am I loser? Because I had to lose everything to get where I am today. I appreciate the losses now and how I suffered because it has made me the hopeful, inspired person I am today. And I would not change one thing that happened.

  • Recovery is Possible-Welcome

    Welcome to my blog! I am Dr. Barb and I am here to provide you with information on recovery. And not just information that one can download from any website, but real, honest, and personal information completely based on my experiences. I am recovering from two addictions, cocaine and gambling with 30+ years sober from drugs, and 15+ years gambling free! 

    I also have some professional experience and education related to addictions and recovery. But that just shows I can speak to some clinical things when needed.

    I know recovery is possible for all. I believe that you can recover despite all the negative issues you might be facing. You can rebuild your life and move forward. To feel positive about your future, and to embrace hope.

    Full disclosure, I do have some non-traditional views on recovery and if that goes against the grain, so be it. I speak only the truth about my recovery journey in hopes that you will find what works for you.