Recovery is Possible

Tag: disordered thinking

  • Disordered Thinking

    Over the years, I have put my heart and soul into my recovery. I consistently work on my emotional health, and ways I can improve how I feel and how I can live a better life. In addition, I spend a lot of time reading about addiction and recovery.

    I recall something I read years ago about disordered thinking and addiction. The article reviewed that addiction was more about our thoughts versus being a disease of the mind and body. This got me thinking about my views on the disease model of addiction. Could this actually be something else entirely? Was I looking at addiction wrong? 

    My beliefs about addiction are multifaceted and could either be viewed as anti-disease model or pro-disease model. Honestly, I just don’t know with any degree of certainty, which is why I remain on the fence about the disease issue.

    Do I believe my addictions are equivalent to having a disease? Let’s just say that my answer is yes and no. I do, however, believe that my addictions were related to disordered thinking though and here is why.

    Our minds are incredibly powerful. So powerful that we can believe things that are simply not true. We can create things that are not there, and we can think in often bizarre ways.

    Can our thoughts then create and sustain an addiction? Absolutely.

    We have many thoughts every day. Our minds are filled with things we want to do, what is working, what is not working, what to do over, or countless other thoughts. Most of the time, we give little attention to these thoughts. Most have little meaning such as what to have for breakfast or what to wear to work.

    The addict’s thoughts though are different and a lot more meaningful. And it could be that these thoughts are keeping one addicted.

    Let’s take a look at some thoughts experienced by me in the throes of my addiction. This is not an exclusive list for sure.

    • I am okay, I just need to find some cash.
    • Who can I ask for money today?
    • If I get $20, will that go to gambling or coke? How can I do both?
    • I suppose I could ask my mother for help.
    • Should I go to work today?
    • What if I lose my money? 
    • When is payday?
    • Just call in sick.
    • Feeling tired, just need blow.
    • Call your dealer maybe he can help.
    • If I get $20, I can pay penny slots downtown.
    The constant and overwhelming thoughts of simply wanting to engage with drugs and gambling. At any cost. Intrusive, all-consuming thoughts. This was my life and what I thought for many years. This was my disordered thinking that kept me searching for something better, something more exciting than the life I was living. Sure I had “normal” thoughts about work etc., but what really filled my mind were thoughts about drugs and gambling and how to keep that going.
    Now with gambling disorder, there are other thinking concerns and we call this the gambler’s fallacy. A fallacy is simply an error with our thinking. We might believe something to be true, but in reality, it is not. Here are a few examples of my thinking while gambling. Each of these thoughts reinforced that if I selected the right machine, I was going to win.
    • Let’s play that machine because it looks like a winner.
    • I don’t like the display on that one.
    • The cards are not right.
    • That displays the cards too fast.
    • I don’t want to sit next to that person.
    • I lost at that casino so I will go somewhere else.
    • That machine has not paid out in a while, I will play that one when available.
    • I have $20 in quarters so that means 8 plays on video poker at max bet.
    • I haven’t won in a while so today is the day.
    • I just need a full house or 4 of a kind to keep playing.
    • Obviously I did not pick the right machine.
    As I write these thoughts, I realize why I kept playing despite large losses. I truly believed that I was going to win if I made certain things happen. I thought that I would win because I had won before. This type of thinking is irrational and only feeds the addiction. You start to believe these erroneous thoughts, which in turn keeps you in the game.
    Our thoughts can influence how we behave and how we feel, but an addict’s thoughts are flawed and only engage our addiction.
    My thoughts today are certainly less flawed and more constructive. Suffice it to say my thoughts now are focused on recovery and being a better person each and every day.
    When a person enters recovery, eliminating the flawed thoughts is essential. Those old thoughts will need to be replaced with more positive ones. Thoughts that encourage sobriety at any cost. Thoughts that reinforce recovery as the only option. It takes time and perseverance to change one’s thinking. It must be done consistently. Each day replacing the addicted thought to a recovery thought.
    As an example, these are my thoughts today.
    • I am proud of what I have accomplished.
    • I appreciate all that I have.
    • I believe in recovery as the only option.
    • My life is mine to live as I choose.
    • It is okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on.
    • I continue to grow stronger each day.
    This is what I think today, and each day is better than the one before.