Recovery is Possible

Tag: drug addiction

  • Problem Solving in Recovery

    Recovery is a time to learn new ways of
    thinking and solving problems that may arise. 
    For so long, you were dependent on substances or gambling to get you through,
    however, now you will solve problems with a clear mind and find workable
    solutions.  Most of the decisions made while using or gambling were impulsive and you probably did not deal well with problems.

    The first step in problem solving involves
    defining the problem, recognizing that the problem exists, and identifying the
    specific factors of the problem.  Suppose
    you need to attend several meetings per week; however, you have a new job that
    requires you to work evenings, weekends, and some daytime hours.  You are unsure when you will be able to
    attend meetings, as your schedule may change from week to week.  You have already identified the problem and
    recognized that this problem exists.  The
    factors related to the problem have to do with meeting attendance and your work
    schedule.

    The next step in problem solving involves
    brainstorming.  Start by writing out a
    few solutions to the problem and think outside the box.  You can also begin to think how someone else
    might handle this problem or you can call up your sponsor and ask them what
    they would do.  Brainstorming does not
    involve finding the solution; however, allows you to think of possible
    solutions.  You can also at this point,
    decide not to take any action at all at this point.

    Next you will take your list of possible
    solutions and think about possible consequences of each solution.  Take time to reflect on the positive and
    negative consequences, as these can help you make the decision when ready.  Using the example above, let’s say that you
    worked with your sponsor to get a complete list of meetings in your area and
    there are meetings that you can attend outside of normal business hours such as
    early morning or late evening.  The one
    consequence that you identified is that the meetings you can attend are a
    longer drive.

    Based on your list of consequences, choose a
    course of action.  Which idea that you
    came up with during brainstorming has the most benefit to you?  Which course of action provides the most
    positive outcome?  When you have decided
    what to do, then implement it as soon as possible.  If you find over time that the solution you
    selected with the least negative consequence, has more consequences than you
    imagined, that is okay.  A solution to a
    problem is not an absolute.  You may find
    over time that you think of other solutions that work better for you or you
    find one solution that you brainstormed earlier will not work at all.

    Problem solving is a skill that all recovering
    addicts need to have.  Be open-minded and
    flexible when trying to solve problems and understand that problems and
    solutions do change over time.

     

     

  • Spirituality and Recovery

    Many people begin recovery and do not know
    what spirituality is even though those in 12-step meetings talk about it and
    others talk openly about their relationship with their higher power.  What does this mean for you?  If you are not a religious person, an
    understanding of spirituality can be confusing. 
    If you are religious, you might already have an idea of what
    spirituality looks like.

    The difference between religion and
    spirituality is this.  Religion is a set
    of beliefs and practices typically associated with God, as one defines
    God.  Spirituality is a search for
    meaning in life and to experience something, maybe a power, greater than
    yourself.  Religion is practiced by many,
    but spirituality is defined by you based on your experiences.  Spirituality gives you purpose, love, and
    perspective through connections with others.

    Spirituality is important in recovery because
    there was probably a loss of spirituality or no spirituality at all while you
    were using.  Your addiction kept you away
    from the things that were important such as family or other things outside of
    yourself.  Recovery allows us the
    opportunity to connect on a spiritual level once again to the areas of life
    that were lost to addiction.

    Spirituality can provide choice by exploring
    our purpose and meaning in life.  The
    choices you made during your addiction are all about using.  Addiction keeps you from choosing anything
    but the addiction.  It also takes away
    your ability to change and grow as a person. 
    We are unable to be our true selves when we are addicted.  Our connections to others was also about
    using and our addiction.  It is difficult
    to connect to others that are outside your addiction.

    Were there ever times during your addiction
    that you experienced the beauty of the world around you?  The answer is probably not.  Did you ever watch a sunset during your
    addiction?  Again, probably not.  There is so much that spirituality can give
    you during recovery that is not found in drinking alcohol, doing drugs, or gambling.

    When I was gambling and doing drugs, I rarely if ever experienced nature’s beauty. My connections were to my dealers, and trying to find people who would loan me money. My existence was nothing more than loneliness, pain, and isolation. There was no religion or spirituality, and certainly no real purpose.

    The day I quit using drugs was the day I found my spirituality again. I know from speaking to others that often something religious or spiritual occurs that makes us think about alternatives. This is what happened to me. I honestly thought that if I continued to use that I would die. Call it what you will, but it was spiritual. A voice either inside me or coming from somewhere else, but this voice could not be ignored. 

    When I quit gambling, I experienced something similar. Another voice from outside myself that to this day, I cannot pinpoint the origin. I believe it was spiritual. The need to do something different, to be honest again, and to become the person that I once was. 

    Over time, and with some abstinence under my belt, I was able to connect again and redefine who I wanted to be. I made my moments extraordinary and fully embraced life.

    In recovery, get in touch with your
    spirituality again.  Celebrate what you
    are grateful for and experience the wonders of your life.  Connect to family members again and take an
    ordinary moment and make it extraordinary by this connection.  Redefine yourself and what recovery means to
    you and experience it!

     

     

     

  • Why You Might Be an Addict

    The majority of my blog does focus on recovery; however, to understand our addiction and focus on recovery, additional information might be useful. I believe that all addicts in recovery not only need to remember where they were but also to look at resolving prior issues. This list might be helpful in figuring out what work needs to be done in recovery.

    1. You find it difficult to stop thinking
      about what you are addicted
      to. The thoughts are intrusive
      and do not allow you to think about much else. Addiction consumes your
      thoughts. From morning to night, you are constantly       thinking about how to use, or drink,
      or shop, or gamble. I found
      that many of my prior thoughts were who can I borrow money from that I have not
      asked prior?       That thought was very
      consuming because without money, you are less likely to be able to engage with
      the behavior. Other thoughts       that consumed
      me were how am I going to get out of this problem
      or have I told that lie already?
    2. You avoid your responsibilities. You may miss work or school due to the addiction and you avoid other
      responsibilities such as attending family functions       or paying your bills. I heard myself say this once — I don’t avoid
      responsibility.       I am responsible for my addiction
      and I take care of that just fine. And that I did. The only responsibility I had was to cover
      up my pain. To be able to escape whatever it was I felt without a
      concern for anyone or       anything else.
    3. You have difficulty with your
      relationships.       You may be
      experiencing problems with family members and arguing more because of your
      behavior. I did not have difficulty with my relationships because I ignored
      them. The only       relationships I had were with others like me, my drug dealers, and those
      who could keep me in the game.
    4. You may isolate yourself from others. You might prefer to either be alone or with your addiction
      “friends”. You decline social engagements with family and
      friends. See number 3. My friends were those who also had addiction issues, and
      we shared a common goal.       To get drugs
      or money to gamble. So in my mind, I was not isolating myself. I had lots of
      friends! Everyone wanted to be near me and hang out with me.
    5. You find you are using more of the
      substance or engaging in other behaviors       more to feel the same “high”.
      My first line of cocaine
      did nothing for me. Then I tried
      another and so on. Near the end, I was ingesting up to 3 to 4 grams
      of cocaine per day. With problem gambling,
      I started with $20 on my
      21st       birthday, which expanded to thousands of dollars per week years later.
      Enough was never enough. Even if I experienced a high, I wanted to go       higher.
    6. You have financial problems. Your rent, mortgage, utility bills, and
      other debts       are not being paid so you have the funds available to purchase drugs
      or spend time gambling. This
      is a given but it does not start that way. I started by not paying the bills
      that I could get away like the cable bill. That was no big deal, and as time passed, it
      became they won’t evict me right?
    7. You spend a lot of time in addiction-seeking behavior
      to get your drug of choice. These behaviors include
      looking for it, buying it, finding ways to get money to buy it, and hiding it once
      you use it.       These behaviors are all-consuming, like thoughts. The one thought that became my normal more frequently involved
      other people. I did not want to be around others who did
      not serve my need to do drugs or gamble. I had no time or head space for anyone
      who was keeping me from my addiction.
    8. You may experience symptoms of withdrawal if you decide
      to stop the addiction or cut back.
      If you have withdrawal issues,
      then you might
      also be physically addicted
      to your drug of choice.
      I know I was physically addicted to cocaine because when I entered rehab the
      first time, I plunged so low into some       dark hole that took me weeks to get out of. I was not even able to get up to
      attend the meetings.
    9. You may exhibit poor judgment. You begin to lie, cheat, and steal so you
      can continue with your addiction.       Your
      addiction is more important than anything. And I mean anything. I had no moral
      compass when it came to using       or gambling.
      I did not care about the people I hurt or what I was doing
      to       myself. All I knew was that I had to engage,
      and to do whatever it took to do so.
    10. You lose your spirituality. You no longer find the beauty in life or you no longer
      enjoy the things that once gave you hope. You no longer feel peace or
      happiness within your self.       What
      self? My soul was gone.       There was no
      beauty, hope, kindness, or peace. There was no higher power because if there
      was one, they would help me get money for my addictions.
    11. There is one last indicator that is the gold standard for
      how you can determine       if you are experiencing addiction. That is, despite all the negative consequences associated with
      addiction, you continue to engage in the       behavior.

    When I read through this list, I remember the addict I was. But I also use it as a guide of the work I need to continue to do in recovery.

  • My Recovery Journey

    Each journey of a thousand miles begins with a first step. If we do not take that first step, the journey ends. Maybe for some this works. After all, change is hard, taking that first step is a challenge. But if we choose to not take that first step, we will remain where we are. Lost, confused, frustrated, angry, and sad.

    As a recovering addict with a number of years under my belt for two addictions, I started each journey with one step. When I completed this one step, I took another. Here I am 15+ years clean from a gambling disorder and over 20 years sober from a drug addiction.

    The first step is difficult though because there are two paths. The one behind you and the one in front of you. Each is uncertain and rather frightening. You might ask yourself, what am I leaving behind, can I do this, or what lies ahead?

    The truth is no one really knows the answers to these questions. First, the answers are unique to our situation, and second, everyone’s path is different.

    My path to recovery for drug addiction started with a very loud wake up call. There was this loud voice in my head that repeated over and over, unless you stop, you will die. I had been using cocaine up to this point for seven years, and I used a lot of it. Upwards of four grams per day. There were times when I thought I was going to not wake up.

    I listened to this voice in my heard and stopped using that day. I simply did not want to die. Was it easy? No, it was not easy. I was living with two individuals who still used. I worked with people who still used. All I knew was I did not wish to die. I have been clean since.

    I do understand that some biological influences were fighting me to continue to use cocaine, but I struggled through all the other voices in my head saying, oh just do it, you will be fine. Or what else are you going to do? You cannot live without me and you know it. I knew it would be challenging to put these voices to sleep. I took one minute at a time and fought my way through the uncertainty. Over time I was able to quiet these voices and simply tell myself that I had more to do on this earth and doing drugs was keeping me from all I wished to do. And of course, that reminder that I did not want to die. 

    This path was spiritual and I am still convinced that the voice in my head was my higher power. And when your higher power speaks to you, listen. I prayed all the time and minute by minute, hour by hour, the other negative voices went away. 

    The path to recovery for my gambling addiction was a bit harder. I had gambled compulsively for many, many years. There were periods of abstinence but they were short lived. I was mainly abstinent because I either did not have any money, or I was nowhere near any casinos! Later in my gambling career, I did gamble online so the location became less relevant.

    Fast forward to the day to end all days. I was going to put my gambling addiction to bed and get on my path to recovery. Up until that day, I had stolen all I could from my husband and other family members, had hocked rings, cars, and anything else I could sell. And then comes the day that I remember as the hardest day of my life and the best day of my life. June 24, 2008. I was watching my husband sleep and thought, I can no longer do this to him or to us.

    I just felt so tired of the lies and the negative behavior. It was more than feeling tired though. It was overwhelming sorrow for the life I had made and for what I was doing to others that I loved. I believed at that moment that if I did not make the choice to stop gambling, that I again would die. Honestly, it felt like I was full and if I did not do something, I might explode. I wish I could bottle this feeling and give it to all who are struggling with addiction. But since I cannot, I will share all of this with you.

    When my husband woke up, I told him everything about what I had done. This was the first step that moved me to my path of recovery. It sometimes felt like I would trip over my feet and fall, but I did not. I kept moving forward even if the step was small. I went to GA meetings regularly, counseling, and involved everyone I knew in my recovery process. I became honest with myself and others. And I owned it all and gave up control over my finances and even access to the Internet. 

    As the months went by, each day was a little brighter. All these years later, I am so grateful that I took that first step that at the time seemed impossible. 

    Naturally I cannot sum up years of sobriety in one sitting. I could write volumes on recovery; however, this was my path. Each of our paths are different and each of us needs to find the strength to take that first step.

    When will you take that first step?