Recovery is Possible

Tag: problem gambling

  • The Truth About Recovery

    The truth about recovery is no one has all the answers. I just share about my experiences and what worked for me. Others probably post on social media or write articles that outline what worked for them or how their organization can help. One certainly does have a lot of information at their fingertips. 

    What I try to do is keep it real. I am recovering from two addictions and had to learn how to live without drugs or gambling for many years. It was hard and often I wanted to give up the fight.

    Let’s face it. The addiction draw is fierce. I believe my addictions were stronger than anything. No matter how hard I tried, I kept going back to a life of chaos and emotional isolation. It felt like the addiction was pulling at my mind, heart, and soul. It would pull so hard that it seemed I had no other choice but to participate. I could easily justify or rationalize engaging with my addiction at any cost. Even if my life was in danger, I would re-engage when things were bad. Heck, I even engaged when things were good!

    I would never minimize how powerful addiction truly is. I know how powerful it is. But even with this powerful thing pulling us in many directions, there is the option for recovery.

    But what happens between that last day you used or played slots, and day one of working a program of recovery.

    This is the challenging question to answer. One does not wake up one day and say, oh, I think I will quit my addiction today. But if you did, then wonderful! 

    Imagine playing online slots and video poker for 7 years. You have sold everything that had any value, you stole from your husband, you borrowed money from everyone, and you had not paid any bills in a couple of months. You pawned your car and your engagement ring and you were constantly broke. Your husband knows but doesn’t say anything to you. He just figures it will work itself out somehow. You might lose your apartment too. So much is going on. 

    Within that 7-year window, this was my life. I quit on several occasions but once I had money again, I relapsed. It seemed that money was my motivation. Lack of meant I quit, and having it meant I engaged.

    I read many stories about an individual’s struggle to enter recovery. I hear things like I just lost everything so now what, or day 10 and I am really having trouble staying focused what should I do?

    Let me say this to all who are having trouble or who have just lost everything. Focus on that last day and day one of recovery and everything that takes place in between. It is not easy to come to terms that you have a problem and maybe need to do something different. You are frustrated with your inability to stop, you are angry with yourself for letting it get “that bad”, and you maybe even feel guilty for all those you hurt. 

    Truth is, that first day of the in-between is hard. So much to think about. What do I do now or how will I fill my time are all questions many ask. The other issue is all the emotions you experience. And what do you do with those?

    My first day of the in-between engaging and recovery was a rollercoaster ride for sure. So many thoughts and feelings and things to figure out. What I had to do was just simply focus on not engaging that one day. I knew I could not fix everything that first day, so the focus was just staying clean and admitting to myself that I had a problem. 

    And I started my first day talking to my husband about everything that was going on. That was so difficult but very necessary. I did feel a little better after that conversation. And he laid down some ground rules. At first I thought, I am not a child, but I had to discard those types of thoughts. Those are the ones that can become nagging urges to engage. 

    In a nutshell, my in-between addiction and recovery was about honesty. I was an addict and I needed to talk to someone. For the first month or so, I continued this path and having 30 days clean really helped me to be hopeful of the future.

    Sure there were still so many things to work out like finances, but I let it all go. I gave up control over my addictions and simply let go. My husband took over monitoring the finances and paying the bills, and I focused on recovery. My only thought every morning was how to stay clean for that one day. I went to 12-step meetings and began to share my story.

    Over time, recovery got a bit easier. I knew what I needed to do and I wrote down everything. I kept a journal of thoughts and feelings, urges, etc. and that helped too.

    Fifteen years clean from gambling and many more from using drugs, and I would not give up what I have accomplished for any machine or drug. But I did have to do the work. I had to work through that in-between and make recovery a priority. If it is not a priority for you, it might not work. Your recovery has to become as or even more important than your addiction.

    Forget all the negative talk about well, if I had money, etc. Money is not the issue. Forget those that helped you stay engaged. Tell everyone you know that you are in recovery.

    The first several months will suck for some of you. It did for me. But over time things really do begin to work out as long as you are honest with yourself and with others. 

    Recovery is always possible!

  • Problem Solving in Recovery

    Recovery is a time to learn new ways of
    thinking and solving problems that may arise. 
    For so long, you were dependent on substances or gambling to get you through,
    however, now you will solve problems with a clear mind and find workable
    solutions.  Most of the decisions made while using or gambling were impulsive and you probably did not deal well with problems.

    The first step in problem solving involves
    defining the problem, recognizing that the problem exists, and identifying the
    specific factors of the problem.  Suppose
    you need to attend several meetings per week; however, you have a new job that
    requires you to work evenings, weekends, and some daytime hours.  You are unsure when you will be able to
    attend meetings, as your schedule may change from week to week.  You have already identified the problem and
    recognized that this problem exists.  The
    factors related to the problem have to do with meeting attendance and your work
    schedule.

    The next step in problem solving involves
    brainstorming.  Start by writing out a
    few solutions to the problem and think outside the box.  You can also begin to think how someone else
    might handle this problem or you can call up your sponsor and ask them what
    they would do.  Brainstorming does not
    involve finding the solution; however, allows you to think of possible
    solutions.  You can also at this point,
    decide not to take any action at all at this point.

    Next you will take your list of possible
    solutions and think about possible consequences of each solution.  Take time to reflect on the positive and
    negative consequences, as these can help you make the decision when ready.  Using the example above, let’s say that you
    worked with your sponsor to get a complete list of meetings in your area and
    there are meetings that you can attend outside of normal business hours such as
    early morning or late evening.  The one
    consequence that you identified is that the meetings you can attend are a
    longer drive.

    Based on your list of consequences, choose a
    course of action.  Which idea that you
    came up with during brainstorming has the most benefit to you?  Which course of action provides the most
    positive outcome?  When you have decided
    what to do, then implement it as soon as possible.  If you find over time that the solution you
    selected with the least negative consequence, has more consequences than you
    imagined, that is okay.  A solution to a
    problem is not an absolute.  You may find
    over time that you think of other solutions that work better for you or you
    find one solution that you brainstormed earlier will not work at all.

    Problem solving is a skill that all recovering
    addicts need to have.  Be open-minded and
    flexible when trying to solve problems and understand that problems and
    solutions do change over time.

     

     

  • Spirituality and Recovery

    Many people begin recovery and do not know
    what spirituality is even though those in 12-step meetings talk about it and
    others talk openly about their relationship with their higher power.  What does this mean for you?  If you are not a religious person, an
    understanding of spirituality can be confusing. 
    If you are religious, you might already have an idea of what
    spirituality looks like.

    The difference between religion and
    spirituality is this.  Religion is a set
    of beliefs and practices typically associated with God, as one defines
    God.  Spirituality is a search for
    meaning in life and to experience something, maybe a power, greater than
    yourself.  Religion is practiced by many,
    but spirituality is defined by you based on your experiences.  Spirituality gives you purpose, love, and
    perspective through connections with others.

    Spirituality is important in recovery because
    there was probably a loss of spirituality or no spirituality at all while you
    were using.  Your addiction kept you away
    from the things that were important such as family or other things outside of
    yourself.  Recovery allows us the
    opportunity to connect on a spiritual level once again to the areas of life
    that were lost to addiction.

    Spirituality can provide choice by exploring
    our purpose and meaning in life.  The
    choices you made during your addiction are all about using.  Addiction keeps you from choosing anything
    but the addiction.  It also takes away
    your ability to change and grow as a person. 
    We are unable to be our true selves when we are addicted.  Our connections to others was also about
    using and our addiction.  It is difficult
    to connect to others that are outside your addiction.

    Were there ever times during your addiction
    that you experienced the beauty of the world around you?  The answer is probably not.  Did you ever watch a sunset during your
    addiction?  Again, probably not.  There is so much that spirituality can give
    you during recovery that is not found in drinking alcohol, doing drugs, or gambling.

    When I was gambling and doing drugs, I rarely if ever experienced nature’s beauty. My connections were to my dealers, and trying to find people who would loan me money. My existence was nothing more than loneliness, pain, and isolation. There was no religion or spirituality, and certainly no real purpose.

    The day I quit using drugs was the day I found my spirituality again. I know from speaking to others that often something religious or spiritual occurs that makes us think about alternatives. This is what happened to me. I honestly thought that if I continued to use that I would die. Call it what you will, but it was spiritual. A voice either inside me or coming from somewhere else, but this voice could not be ignored. 

    When I quit gambling, I experienced something similar. Another voice from outside myself that to this day, I cannot pinpoint the origin. I believe it was spiritual. The need to do something different, to be honest again, and to become the person that I once was. 

    Over time, and with some abstinence under my belt, I was able to connect again and redefine who I wanted to be. I made my moments extraordinary and fully embraced life.

    In recovery, get in touch with your
    spirituality again.  Celebrate what you
    are grateful for and experience the wonders of your life.  Connect to family members again and take an
    ordinary moment and make it extraordinary by this connection.  Redefine yourself and what recovery means to
    you and experience it!

     

     

     

  • Gambling Addiction and Treatment

     

    Gambling addiction is a disorder where
    individuals are preoccupied with either participating in a gambling activity or
    thinking about participating in a gambling activity.  As with other addictions, the gambling addict
    needs to gamble more and more to achieve the same result.  This result is often referred to as the
    gambler’s “high”.

    If a person decides to seek help for their
    addiction, there are options for treating gambling problems.  Many individuals will enter treatment when
    there are no other alternatives, or they feel they have “hit bottom.”  Some will enter treatment after only a few
    months of gambling activity and usually because there are associated problems
    with continued gambling.  Gambling
    addiction does lie on a continuum meaning that there are differences in what
    influences a person’s desire to get help. 
    Many in the gambling treatment field understand this continuum and are
    able to help the gambler where they are.

    A problem gambler has options when it comes to
    treatment.  Some may attend gamblers
    anonymous (GA) 12-step meetings and find the help they need.  GA meetings are offered throughout the
    country and at different times and days. 
    If an individual believes that they might need more in terms of
    treatment, individual therapy is an option. 
    There are counselors and therapists available who specialize in the
    treatment of gambling addiction.  The
    counselor or therapist would address the negative thoughts and behaviors
    associated with the addiction.

    It is important to note that gambling
    addiction is considered a process disorder. 
    A process disorder is a behavioral disorder where no chemicals are
    ingested but the individual is still addicted to gambling.  Often the gambling addict will have a
    co-occurring disorder such as depression or anxiety and will need to address
    this in treatment.  If there is a
    co-occurring disorder, it is important to find a therapist or counselor who can
    treat both disorders.

    There are inpatient and outpatient treatment
    programs available for gambling addicts. 
    Inpatient programs are a good option if the individual thinks they might
    have difficulty staying away from casinos or other gambling activities.  Inpatient programs are structured and can be
    a good start for some gamblers. 
    Outpatient programs are increasingly being offered across the country as
    an alternative to inpatient programs.  An
    individual who enters an outpatient program will attend classes and groups
    throughout the day and be able to return home at the end of the day.

    Any gambler who enters treatment will need to
    make lifestyle changes.  One common
    lifestyle change is turning over all financial responsibilities to another
    trusted family member or friend.  Problem
    gamblers will also need to stay acutely aware of their triggers, as gambling
    activities are everywhere.

  • 12-Step Meetings

    When a person decides to attend a 12-step
    meeting, there might be some hesitation or uncertainty about what to
    expect.  There might be questions such as
    will there be anyone I know in this meeting or what do I talk about?  These concerns are normal and most
    individuals experience doubt when attending their first meeting.

    12-step meetings were designed to be a safe
    place in which to share stories of recovery, hope, and strength.  There is a great deal of support in 12-step
    meetings and at some point each person in the meeting has also experienced
    their first meeting and might have felt the same way you do.

    If you are new to a meeting, the group leader
    may ask your first name and whether or not this is your first meeting.  You can sit wherever you want and wherever is
    most comfortable for you.  You will
    listen to the beginning of the meeting, which usually involves an introduction
    from the group leader and a welcome to that particular meeting.  The group leader will ask if there are any
    new members present and you should raise your hand and introduce yourself.  The group leader will read from a little book
    that you were handed when you entered the meeting room.  Someone from the group will read the preamble
    and the 20 questions.  Some 12-step
    meetings may be organized differently but most begin this way, followed by
    members who wish to share.

    Many first-time meeting attendees prefer to
    listen to the other members to see what is expected in a meeting.  You do not have to speak during your first
    meeting unless you want to.  No one in
    the group will pressure you to speak if you are feeling uncomfortable.  Many first-time attendees may start by giving
    their first name and stating that they wish to listen only.  That is totally acceptable.

    As you listen to the stories shared, you may
    find yourself identifying with other members and what experiences they had
    during their addiction.  Many seasoned
    meeting attendees will also share stories of strength and hope.  They may talk about their first meeting and
    where they are in recovery today.  After
    all members have shared, and no one else wants to share, the group leader will
    close the meeting.

    Everyone who has attended a 12-step meeting
    has been the new person once.  It can be
    scary to reveal to others your experiences as an addict, but over time and with
    continued meeting attendance, you too will share your stories and hopefully
    help the next new person who is feeling uncertain about what to expect.

    I am familiar with 12-step meetings and began recovery from gambling addiction by going to GA meetings regularly. My husband also attended Gam-Anon meetings and found them to be insightful and helpful. 

    Without those meetings in my beginning stages of recovery, I might not be here today. And I mean that in all honesty and sincerity. 

    The meetings gave me an opportunity to share my stories, but it gave me so much more. They gave me hope. I felt so supported by the other members and they knew exactly what I was going through. I have found over the years that support from others can really make the difference between recovery and relapse. 

    I encourage all individuals who are entering recovery to try a meeting. Whether it is GA, NA, or AA, I am certain that you will find that openness and hope that I found.

     

     

     

  • Dear Gambling Addiction

    Dear Gambling Addiction,

    I love to write so I thought I would write you a letter today. It has been almost 16 years since we last met, and to be honest, I don’t miss you one bit.

    There was a time when you were the only thing that mattered. I would do anything for you. Lie, cheat, steal, not eat, not sleep, or anything really. When I say you were the only thing, you were. I was obsessed with you. You plagued my thoughts and made me feel things that were uncomfortable.

    Prior to being introduced to you, I was a moral person. I liked helping people and I was happy. I had friends, good relationships with my family, people trusted me, I worked, and I had money to pay my bills.

    When you entered my life on my 21st birthday, I was partially intrigued but mostly I was frustrated. I lost $20 in about one minute on a craps table. I wanted my $20 back because I was not clear on why I lost the money. And the game of craps did not make sense to me. I thought if I was going to gamble again, I would play slots. So much easier and all I had to do was pull a handle.

    In these very early stages, I did not think about you much. I believe though that you were there in my brain maybe trying to figure out how to get me more engaged. Maybe you were there attempting to entice me with needing to win back that $20.

    A few years later, I found another friend to spend my time with and their name was cocaine. Well, living in Las Vegas when one could not sleep because of the drugs, the casinos were there with bright, flashing lights and the intrigue of winning money. So I met you again, and discovered that playing video poker machines was a great way to spend my time while high.

    This was the start of our relationship that lasted quite a while. 

    In the beginning stages of my addiction with you, I was able to have some fun and enjoyed most of the times I had with you. Over time though, you consumed my soul. I did not care whether I lived or died. I just needed to be with you and I loved only you.

    Our relationship lasted 14 years in total with breaks during some of that time, but even when I was not playing, I was still thinking about you. Wondering how I could get together with you again. Money was usually the main reason why I could not connect with you, but I also found it more challenging to find places to visit you.

    Honestly, over time my relationship with you became rather tedious and boring. I started to feel like I might need to separate myself from you. I did not know why I was feeling this way, but on some level I just wanted something different for myself. I was tired of lying to people about you, and I was getting frustrated with being broke all the time. There was also this emptiness that even you could not fill. Most importantly, my real relationship with my husband was beginning to suffer. I did care about him and he really became more important than you. Sometimes I felt like I cheated on him with you. I do believe that my moral compass was questioning all that I was doing with you, and it just was beginning to not feel right.

    On June 24, 2008 I decided to end my relationship with you. This was a very hard thing for me to do. After all, you were the only important thing in my life and I just wanted to be with you as much as possible. But on a sleepless night in June, I was watching my husband sleep and felt this overwhelming desire to be with him and not you. I felt like I could no longer lie to him about us. These feelings were quite overwhelming too almost to the point of if I didn’t tell him about us, I might go crazy. There were just so many emotions running through me, and I decided to break it off with you. When he woke up, I told him everything about us.

    June 24, 2008 was the best day and the hardest day of my life! I knew that once I told my husband everything that I would need to let you go. It was definitely a hard decision to make but I could not go on living or being with you.

    The first few days of not having you in my life were a whirlwind of emotions. I do not recall another time when I cried so much. As I talked to others about us, I did start to feel better. And I went to meetings where others were talking about their own relationships with something similar to ours. The details were different but similar in that all of us wanted to end our relationships.

    Over the weeks and months that followed, I continued to go to meetings and was learning to live without you. I had a lot to process and many feelings to address. Fortunately I had a lot of support from family and friends, but I did have to work on regaining their trust. When you cheat, people do not easily trust again. And I had to give up my finances to my husband. That was okay because I simply did not want to see you again or be tempted by you. Without access to cash or credit cards, it was just a little bit easier to let you go.

    I also found that I needed to give up some control over certain things. First it was the finances. Then I discovered letting go was also needed. I started to let go of things that I could not control, and fixing the things I could. My focus was specifically on how to rebuild after a tumultuous relationship with you. 

    I worked every day to learn to live without you. I learned to feel my feelings and process them instead of covering them up by playing with you. I learned how to think more productively and to make goals for myself. I learned how to manage my finances and I was slowly regaining trust from my husband and others.

    The work was hard but I kept going. I just did not want you in my life any longer, and no matter how I felt or what I thought, I was not going to re-engage with you. I was working a program of recovery and very proud of each day that I did not want to be with you. There were some days I thought about you, but it ended there. Just thoughts that were quickly replaced with all the positive benefits of not having you in my life.

    All these years later, I still think about you but not in the ways you would want. I just have thoughts about how wonderful my life is without you. I have no urges to see you, and nothing that I can think of would bring me back to you. I have too much to lose now.

    In a way, I do thank you for being in my life. I believe I am a better person for knowing you. You taught me what a person is capable of during a relationship with you, and with that, I can help others now. Our relationship also opened my mind to the human spirit and how resilient we really are. We can overcome great obstacles and learn to live without you.

  • Why You Might Be an Addict

    The majority of my blog does focus on recovery; however, to understand our addiction and focus on recovery, additional information might be useful. I believe that all addicts in recovery not only need to remember where they were but also to look at resolving prior issues. This list might be helpful in figuring out what work needs to be done in recovery.

    1. You find it difficult to stop thinking
      about what you are addicted
      to. The thoughts are intrusive
      and do not allow you to think about much else. Addiction consumes your
      thoughts. From morning to night, you are constantly       thinking about how to use, or drink,
      or shop, or gamble. I found
      that many of my prior thoughts were who can I borrow money from that I have not
      asked prior?       That thought was very
      consuming because without money, you are less likely to be able to engage with
      the behavior. Other thoughts       that consumed
      me were how am I going to get out of this problem
      or have I told that lie already?
    2. You avoid your responsibilities. You may miss work or school due to the addiction and you avoid other
      responsibilities such as attending family functions       or paying your bills. I heard myself say this once — I don’t avoid
      responsibility.       I am responsible for my addiction
      and I take care of that just fine. And that I did. The only responsibility I had was to cover
      up my pain. To be able to escape whatever it was I felt without a
      concern for anyone or       anything else.
    3. You have difficulty with your
      relationships.       You may be
      experiencing problems with family members and arguing more because of your
      behavior. I did not have difficulty with my relationships because I ignored
      them. The only       relationships I had were with others like me, my drug dealers, and those
      who could keep me in the game.
    4. You may isolate yourself from others. You might prefer to either be alone or with your addiction
      “friends”. You decline social engagements with family and
      friends. See number 3. My friends were those who also had addiction issues, and
      we shared a common goal.       To get drugs
      or money to gamble. So in my mind, I was not isolating myself. I had lots of
      friends! Everyone wanted to be near me and hang out with me.
    5. You find you are using more of the
      substance or engaging in other behaviors       more to feel the same “high”.
      My first line of cocaine
      did nothing for me. Then I tried
      another and so on. Near the end, I was ingesting up to 3 to 4 grams
      of cocaine per day. With problem gambling,
      I started with $20 on my
      21st       birthday, which expanded to thousands of dollars per week years later.
      Enough was never enough. Even if I experienced a high, I wanted to go       higher.
    6. You have financial problems. Your rent, mortgage, utility bills, and
      other debts       are not being paid so you have the funds available to purchase drugs
      or spend time gambling. This
      is a given but it does not start that way. I started by not paying the bills
      that I could get away like the cable bill. That was no big deal, and as time passed, it
      became they won’t evict me right?
    7. You spend a lot of time in addiction-seeking behavior
      to get your drug of choice. These behaviors include
      looking for it, buying it, finding ways to get money to buy it, and hiding it once
      you use it.       These behaviors are all-consuming, like thoughts. The one thought that became my normal more frequently involved
      other people. I did not want to be around others who did
      not serve my need to do drugs or gamble. I had no time or head space for anyone
      who was keeping me from my addiction.
    8. You may experience symptoms of withdrawal if you decide
      to stop the addiction or cut back.
      If you have withdrawal issues,
      then you might
      also be physically addicted
      to your drug of choice.
      I know I was physically addicted to cocaine because when I entered rehab the
      first time, I plunged so low into some       dark hole that took me weeks to get out of. I was not even able to get up to
      attend the meetings.
    9. You may exhibit poor judgment. You begin to lie, cheat, and steal so you
      can continue with your addiction.       Your
      addiction is more important than anything. And I mean anything. I had no moral
      compass when it came to using       or gambling.
      I did not care about the people I hurt or what I was doing
      to       myself. All I knew was that I had to engage,
      and to do whatever it took to do so.
    10. You lose your spirituality. You no longer find the beauty in life or you no longer
      enjoy the things that once gave you hope. You no longer feel peace or
      happiness within your self.       What
      self? My soul was gone.       There was no
      beauty, hope, kindness, or peace. There was no higher power because if there
      was one, they would help me get money for my addictions.
    11. There is one last indicator that is the gold standard for
      how you can determine       if you are experiencing addiction. That is, despite all the negative consequences associated with
      addiction, you continue to engage in the       behavior.

    When I read through this list, I remember the addict I was. But I also use it as a guide of the work I need to continue to do in recovery.

  • My Recovery Journey

    Each journey of a thousand miles begins with a first step. If we do not take that first step, the journey ends. Maybe for some this works. After all, change is hard, taking that first step is a challenge. But if we choose to not take that first step, we will remain where we are. Lost, confused, frustrated, angry, and sad.

    As a recovering addict with a number of years under my belt for two addictions, I started each journey with one step. When I completed this one step, I took another. Here I am 15+ years clean from a gambling disorder and over 20 years sober from a drug addiction.

    The first step is difficult though because there are two paths. The one behind you and the one in front of you. Each is uncertain and rather frightening. You might ask yourself, what am I leaving behind, can I do this, or what lies ahead?

    The truth is no one really knows the answers to these questions. First, the answers are unique to our situation, and second, everyone’s path is different.

    My path to recovery for drug addiction started with a very loud wake up call. There was this loud voice in my head that repeated over and over, unless you stop, you will die. I had been using cocaine up to this point for seven years, and I used a lot of it. Upwards of four grams per day. There were times when I thought I was going to not wake up.

    I listened to this voice in my heard and stopped using that day. I simply did not want to die. Was it easy? No, it was not easy. I was living with two individuals who still used. I worked with people who still used. All I knew was I did not wish to die. I have been clean since.

    I do understand that some biological influences were fighting me to continue to use cocaine, but I struggled through all the other voices in my head saying, oh just do it, you will be fine. Or what else are you going to do? You cannot live without me and you know it. I knew it would be challenging to put these voices to sleep. I took one minute at a time and fought my way through the uncertainty. Over time I was able to quiet these voices and simply tell myself that I had more to do on this earth and doing drugs was keeping me from all I wished to do. And of course, that reminder that I did not want to die. 

    This path was spiritual and I am still convinced that the voice in my head was my higher power. And when your higher power speaks to you, listen. I prayed all the time and minute by minute, hour by hour, the other negative voices went away. 

    The path to recovery for my gambling addiction was a bit harder. I had gambled compulsively for many, many years. There were periods of abstinence but they were short lived. I was mainly abstinent because I either did not have any money, or I was nowhere near any casinos! Later in my gambling career, I did gamble online so the location became less relevant.

    Fast forward to the day to end all days. I was going to put my gambling addiction to bed and get on my path to recovery. Up until that day, I had stolen all I could from my husband and other family members, had hocked rings, cars, and anything else I could sell. And then comes the day that I remember as the hardest day of my life and the best day of my life. June 24, 2008. I was watching my husband sleep and thought, I can no longer do this to him or to us.

    I just felt so tired of the lies and the negative behavior. It was more than feeling tired though. It was overwhelming sorrow for the life I had made and for what I was doing to others that I loved. I believed at that moment that if I did not make the choice to stop gambling, that I again would die. Honestly, it felt like I was full and if I did not do something, I might explode. I wish I could bottle this feeling and give it to all who are struggling with addiction. But since I cannot, I will share all of this with you.

    When my husband woke up, I told him everything about what I had done. This was the first step that moved me to my path of recovery. It sometimes felt like I would trip over my feet and fall, but I did not. I kept moving forward even if the step was small. I went to GA meetings regularly, counseling, and involved everyone I knew in my recovery process. I became honest with myself and others. And I owned it all and gave up control over my finances and even access to the Internet. 

    As the months went by, each day was a little brighter. All these years later, I am so grateful that I took that first step that at the time seemed impossible. 

    Naturally I cannot sum up years of sobriety in one sitting. I could write volumes on recovery; however, this was my path. Each of our paths are different and each of us needs to find the strength to take that first step.

    When will you take that first step?